Brain Fertilizer

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Yo, just FYI but I'm getting the following error: Warning: Failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/profpros/public_html/wp-settings.php on line 473

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LOL! Great post! Who wants to send me a cashier's check for $250,000?

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I gotta favorite this website it seems handy invaluable

Sorry I'm so sucky at coming and reading and cheering you on. You asked... and here's my suggestion Baby steps... 21 days to create a new habit... come up with most important thing and do it for 21 days... come here when you can and update us... tell us what is making it hard and such... Once that's done... 21 days and new habit and success... move onto the next impt change... and so on. Do not beat yourself up if you don't succeed immediately each day is a new opportunity to succeed. I have faith you can do it. I'm in your corner.

by Lena Butler, the author of Test Country Articles a longer version of this report is located at Dog DNA Testing: How They Perform, and resources from other home wellbeing and wellness testing articles are applied such as DNA &

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All that aside, I'm going to go see Batman Begins, and I know I'm going to enjoy the crap out of it.

...if I can figure out what "enjoy the crap out of it" really signifies.

While Titian (circa 1485-1576), one of the best Italian portrait painters, was undoubtedly a "Teen" at some point, I'm gonna assume, based on context, that you meant "Teen Titans" by DC. And if you're bad-mouthing them, a pox on you. ;)

In all honesty, I haven't kept up with the series since the 80's and very early '90's, but back when Marv Wolfman and George Perez were writing the comic in the mid-to-late 80's, it was one of the most respected titles on the market, easily comparable to Claremont's revamped X-Men in both sales and critical acclaim. Those two titles changed the world of comics forever. I own the whole series under Wolfman's run. Yes, I am a geek...but one with good taste.

So don't you be dissing my Titans, Cap'n Nate. Or Titian either for that matter...he was a darned fine painter! :D

Sheesh, one little mis-spelling...! [grin]

The salvo was part of an ongoing smack-talk battle. It certainly was not targeting you...I had forgotten you were such a DC fan, actually.
The Teen Titans are such an easy target, though, because they're on Cartoon Network right now, and every single one of the characters is about as lame as the worst superheroes ever done...including Robin.

I just think DC writers didn't tend to think through what powers they were giving their heroes...so even when a talented writer came along, the crap he had to work with was sub-par.

Simply put: based on a world with Superman sometimes being pressed to the limit, Robin wouldn't last 5 minutes with his "gymnastic" skills.

Marvel, as a whole company, seemed to be more concerned with giving limited powers and exploring how those limits could be exploited and how the human behind the powers affected the use of those powers.
...which could be why Marvel had many more groups than DC, which was more individuals fighting...and the villains rarely spilled over from hero to hero, as they often did in Marvel.

Maybe there's exceptions, I dunno. DC never impressed me enough to pick up a 2nd comic book in the series.

Then again, Marvel destroyed my fandom with the "Secret Wars", so maybe they went totally downhill after that?

Actually, not necessarily a DC fan...just a Teen Titans fan. And I agree with you -- overall Marvel put(s) out a better product than DC. And for that matter, both George Perez and Marv Wolfman got their starts (I think) with Marvel, only moving to DC in the 80's. Finally, for much of the run, the "Titans" was solely the product of those two -- they co-plotted, drew and even edited the book. No other DC folks had any input. Hence, it made for a cleaner, more focused story overall...

Though I've never seen the cartoon version of Teen Titans, I understand that it is much more childish than the comic ever was, with only tertiary connections to anything in the series.

Part of what I loved about the Titans though was the fact that the characters were less powerful than most of their DC counterparts. They were also flawed in many ways. But they were good people, devoted to one another -- a true family. They made mistakes, changed and grew throughout the run. And many of the themes explored by the book had more to do with life, relationships and growing up than saving the world. Instead of being about superheroes, the "Titans" were about people -- warts and all -- who happened to have super powers. It made for an excellent read -- often for the same reasons that Claremont's X-Men worked.

Just my two cents...topic probably exhaused now.

Did you not have enough of my New Mutants argument?
*lol*

And when you say limited powered Marvel characters you mean like Galactus, Silver Surfer. The Hulk, Thor? Shall I go on? :)

Silver Surfer was gay. I'll give you that. And the

Hulk was just really, really strong. That makes him overpowered? It's not like he could go back in time by spining the planet backward or anything, like Superman.

Thor may have been a god, but he didn't have ultimate power when he was doing superhero stuff. I was never a big enough fan to investigate why.
"Long-haired hippy freaks need not apply", yanno?

Still, none of that compares with the ridiculousness of the Flash, Plastic Man, Superman, Green Lantern (as applied in the comic books), and the DC version of Real World: the Teen Titans (sorry Dalin), Black Lightning, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, Hawkman, et al.

And don't get me started on the Supervillains. DC didn't have one major supervillain half as cool as Dr. Doom. I don't think they had anything as interesting as Doc Ock's friendship with Aunt May (another reason to hate Hollywood: that shouldn't have been left out of the movie).

Half of Batman's Rogues Gallery is as cool as Dr. Doom. Heck, this Dr. Doom is almost as cool as Dr. Doom. (As an aside: Yes, there is nothing sadder than geek smack-talking.)

I think "enjoy the crap out of it" means exactly that: you will so enjoy it that you will see no crap in it.

:D How was that?

(I think we're okay as long as no one brings up a +3 Vorpal-Sword with Flametongue ability)

Rae,
Well said!

Wow...guess the topic wasn't exhausted afterall.

And no offense taken, Nathan. You can't be blamed for your ignorance. ;)

Who wants to read books about spandex-clad superpowered beings because they're realistic? Why not just read cop stories? What I really like about DC over Marvel is that DC does "larger than life" wide-eyed fiction. Human minds in the bodies of greek gods. Archetypes mixing with the real world. I'll take that over attempts to be gritty, nuanced, and consistent.

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She's waiting for me to become your "content manager". ;)

You're lobbying for the position?

One day of it would make for a fantastic Bizarro Edition of BF.

Are you sure you WANT to be on her blogroll? Isn't that kinda like being on Hitler's Christmas card list?

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heh! nicely done!

My addy has been spoofed before. :( That really sucked.

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*Actually, I agree they had no grounds to prevent his entry, and made obviously more-than-sufficient attempts to find out if he was wanted. But it's hard for someone to be wanted when the crime hasn't been reported yet. To me, the fact that they were able to locate the suspect so rapidly says that the police did their job well in this case.

Hey, Gun-Control Advocates (esp. Liberal ones): it is not, and has never been, the job of police to prevent murders. The only way they could do so would be to institute a police state of such horrible proportions that we would never see a minute of freedom from cradle to grave.

Gun control did nothing, and could do nothing, to save these murder victims. So are we going to ban chainsaws next? If someone wants to murder, they will use any implement at hand. It is impossible to sanitize life for your protection. Stop screwing up my life in your attempts.

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My wife will not let me in the room while my daughter is watching that show because of my incessant need to wonder out loud exactly how they rid the backyard of doggie land mines or what they do when he decides to hump someone's leg.

...which makes me wonder if Emily's dad's business is fertilizer...?

Now that you mention it, I think I just found another goody thing to talk about during the show.

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*Is there a lowriff and highriff, too?

I once saw a gal wearing low-rise jeans and a thong. Her top came down far enough to cover the thong's waistband, so from a distance it looked like she had a colored stripe running up her spine.

Say what you like about the ridiculousness of the fashion, it is eye-catching.

Come back to China Nathan.

You won't be disappointed.

:-)

Heh. Reminds me of my own fashion observations.

I guess the thing that leaves me the most perplexed is that the percentage of girls who look good in this sort of clothing is so low as to be nearly ridiculous. Showing that much skin is unforgiving in the first place, but then the low-rise jeans just push any extraneous fat upward, making the "love handles" bigger.
And it breaks up the lines, if'n you understand what I mean.

I'm not sure which I find more distressing: that girls these days actually think they look dressed like that, or that boys these days think girls actually look good dressed like that.

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10. Actually thinking that singing "Who let the Dogs Out?" is cool.

9. Carrying a balance on your Discover Card

8. Squeezing the Charmin.

7. Occupying the bathroom too long "working on lightsaber techniques"

6. One word: Mentos

5. Ripping the tags off of your mattresses. Off of the pillows, okay. But not mattresses.

4. Failing to recognize the true troubled genius of Mark Lanegan

3. "Pull my finger" jokes

2. Using statistics to try and prove anything

1. Blogging.

Okay, these weren't that funny, were they? I invite anyone with a better sense of humor than me (which leaves out pretty much no one) to make their own top-10 Lesser-Known Actions that Lead to the Dark Side and trackback to this post.

"And in a ship with artificial gravity, changing the attitude of the ship will not cause the decks to tilt...unless artificial gravity is lost, in which case you float instead of falling, anyway."

Unless the ship is boosting, in which case losing artificial gravity will cause everyone and every thing in the ship to fly toward the active booster, possibly with enough force to squash them like bugs.

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You know, I really don't know all the issues right now well enough to actually have an opinion on what's going on.

For instance: I never liked Rep. Tom DeLay, but I suspect the motive behind the drive to force him out of office is not the best, i.e., Democrats trying to get a measure of revenge for other set-backs. I don't like witch-hunts, and I am absolutely certain Democrats don't want this standard of behavior enforced on Nancy Pelosi, Honorary Democrat John McCain, or the next Democrat President...

But if he did do something demonstrably wrong, he should be out.

Also, we go to the lawyer to sign the divorce paperwork today.

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...um, you might need a magnifying lens...
They're down near the lower right. Below the guy with his finger up his nose...to the left of the Tom Cruise Look-alike wearing a tank-top (gotta include something for the ladies, no?).
No, above the blonde...oh, never mind.

Made me look. How sad is that? :-)

ROFLMPTO!!!

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Running Time: Something like four days, man. Release Date: 2001

Since the movie is split over two DVDs, I shall follow the same order and split this review into two. Besides, I figure I'm going to have to take one hell of a mighty whiz by the time the first DVD gets over.

Eager Jimmy has never been a big fan of the faerie tale movies ever since coming to one night, years ago, to find Legend playing on the TV. The confusion of the unstuporing combined with the sight of the curiously androgynous Tom Cruise raised...well, lots of drinking. Lots and lots of manly drinking.

Anyway, after that I dropped the Eager when it came to that type of movie, so avoided the whole Lord of the Rings hoo-hah. All this changed when One-eyed Sam loaned me a copy of the fancy-lad version of Fellowship of the Ring (official title: Peter Jackson's Telling Of J.R.R Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' In Which Hobbits Prance About And Get Scared). In gratitude I loaned him Spy Kids 3D because.....Well, I thought it was funny.

Being the fancy-lad version, the approximate running time of this film is four days. This meant your friend Eager Jimmy would have to do something he never considered before: pace himself. Maybe I'm just growing up, or maybe the knowledge that not even the mighty Jimmy could down an estimated 47 beers and still remember most of what he saw, but this is a major turning point in my life. Hopefully it won't lead to careers and shit.

Luckily I was informed by OE Sam that the movie, after good scenes of ba'le, opens a little slow. "Starts all fucking war, man, then gets all fucking boring, man. Fucking boring." Sam has a way with words. This meant that I probably could get away with not having the requisite 6-pack required to enjoy any endeavor beforehand. I'd just need to be on my fourth to see the "fucking war" part, then work from there.

And ho-damn, does it start all fucking war. Two big armies whaling on each other until, as is typical battle strategy, the two leaders face each other. The bad guy wins at first, but then has his finger cut off which, naturally, makes him explode. Seems there's this ring and...everyone wants it because it's the ringiest of all the rings. Taking a bit to buy in on that. Usually my disbelief is suspended in a dense sea of Pabst by this point. Right here I'm really worried about the pacing issue. If the PBR doesn't start carrying me away soon, this could get really long.

After the war stuff, we find out that there are these little people called hobbits who like to prance and play. Thankfully they also like to drink and smoke, so they aren't all bad. To help along the pacing of he movie, my own pacing has been to chug a brew every time a hobbit does something cute. I abandon this quickly.

Turns out the ringiest ring ended up in the hands of one of the hobbits in town who is about to leave to retire elsewhere. Unfortunately, the ring is very hard to give up for reasons of its ringiestness, I guess. I should mention, there is a wizard too. Can't have one of these movies without a wizard, you know. When the hobbit, Bilbo by name (they must have named that freaky art museum in Spain after him. Arty types would do that.) at first refuses to give up the ring, the wizard yells at him like my dad did that one time I drank all his PBR and replaced it with Busch. He made me ride that Blue Train 'til I puked. I never intentionally strayed from Lady PBR again. Unlike Bilbo who takes off leaving everything, including now this ring, to his nephew Frodo (which is apparently hobbit for "wide-eyed pussy").

The wizard, name of Gandalf, leaves telling Frodo to "keep it secret; keep it safe" (I hope he means the ring). Then suddenly we have bombastic music, dark scenes, and a bunch of horses bursting out of a castle lit greenishly dark like the back bathroom of the Olee. This calls for a couple PBRs plus one to the memory of memory destruction at the Olee! Now we're off!....to Gandalf reading. I hate premature beeration. Now I'm buzzed and cranky and wanting shit to happen.

Back at Frodo's place where a rough looking Gandalf suddenly jumps out with another "is it secret? Is it safe?" Were I an English major and not just a charming drunk, I'd suspect some sort of molestation allegory especially during the whole "I'm giving it [myself] to you!" "No, don't temp me [with your smooth, boyish skin]!". I half expect Gordan Jump to pop out. A few discomfort dislodging brews had to go down during this whole bit. But we do discover that the guy who went all splodey at the beginning isn't actually dead. By now, me and the beer are ready to accept such things pretty easily. Anything to distract from the subtext and words like "subtext" which require a half-chug to flush away. Oh, and that splodey dude, called Sauron, wants his ring back, which is only natural.

Time finally for the adventure. The bad guys know the ring is where the hobbits live, so the ring got to get the hell out of there. Frodo and his ...friend...Sam are sent off with the ring. Since this is a very important mission, Gandalf quickly abandons them to go somewhere else. This somewhere else is the tower of another scuzzy looking wizard who is apparently Gandalf's boss or something. Unfortunately, this other wizard has decided to play for the bad team.

Back to our little hobbit friends who have picked up a couple other hobbit friends named Merry and Pippin. Seriously. Anyway, there's quite a diversity of accents amongst the hobbits for being from such a small area. Though I guess whatever accents Frodo and Sam are sporting could be explained away by brain damage. As they are hobbitting along, they are confronted by one of those horse dudes from earlier. We know he's evil because he makes bugs crawl out of the ground and the screen goes all twisty. At first I thought this meant the PBR was finally going to let me see through time, but it was just an effect. Faced with evil, Frodo naturally wants to look his best, so starts to put on the ring. He's so excited about this, he breaks out into his O-face prematurely.

Escaping with the classic "throw something over there" technique, our hobbit friends flee across a river eventually coming to a scuzzy town. I'm detecting a scuzzy theme here. Thankfully the alcohol in the Pabst will protect me from any germs. Gandalf was supposed to meet them at the inn (called, in another step that makes this movie really creepy, "The Prancing Pony". Are we sure Gordan Jump is dead?), but never showed. As all should do whenever faced with a disappointment, they settle in for a beer. Don't mind if I do too.

Now comes what is the highlight of the movie. One of the little nippers comes back from the bar with a nice, large mug of beer informing the others that this is a "pint". Sad little fellows, never knowing what a pint was. Maybe that explains the accents or the mincing. One responds to this new knowledge with, "It comes in pints?" Hell fucking yes it does! That deserved a one and a half shotgun salute in honor of the pint! Just wait until the little bugger discovers the 40oz!

In pintal excitement, though, one of the hobbits nearly says too much. Since this is a moment of excitement, Frodo breaks out the O-face again. In the mess the ring ends up on his finger making him invisible where everything goes white and he sees a giant, fiery catseye. Something we've all seen a million times during a night's drinking. It's never a good thing.

The hobbits are saved by another scuzzy looking guy who cleverly hides them in a room that the evil horse dudes choose not to bed stab. Remember, if you want to avoid bed stabbing, always go somewhere the bed stabbing won't happen. As soon as it is clear, they take off to some rocky hill in the middle of nowhere. Well, that's at least where they stop to spend the night. Unfortunately, the evil horse dudes find them and attack. Another moment of excitement, so time for another O-face. Frodo slips on the ring trying to escape, only the horse dudes can see him and in invisible world they are all white and glowy like the creatures in The Dark Crystal when the Skeksis and Mystics joined as one. Since they can see him just fine, they stab him in the shoulder which must be the hobbit's most vulnerable spot.

Getting stabbed by an evil, glowy dude's evil blade in invisible world is never a good thing. Frodo ain't doing good. Thankfully Arwen the Asthmatic Elf is there to save the day! She hauls up Frodo and takes off for Elfland, or wherever. The evil horse dudes are chasing close behind, but prove cautious about crossing a dry river bed. When they finally do, Arwen the Asthmatic Elf sends the whole damn river on top of them, wiping them out and calling for a healthy chug at the coolness.

Frodo is healed by Agent Smith who has decided to leave the Matrix and become a hippie. After a nice, creepy, slo-mo hugging reunion with the other hobbits that required yet more awkwardness flushing drinking, he gets ready to leave. But first he has to have an exit interview or something about the ring. Everyone is there. Humans, dwarves, ponies, unicorns, and an elf that brings back unpleasant memories of an androgynous Tom Cruise. Had to shotgun away some memories when he showed up onscreen.

Because, as well established, this is the ringiest of all rings, everyone fights over it. The humans want to use it, but Gandalf says it must be destroyed. A dwarf tries to smash it with an axe but it bounces off like my drink charmed pick-up lines do with the ladies. To destroy it they need to take it to some mountain and toss it in. Everyone starts fighting over who will take it, the elves, the humans or the dwarves. Seems there's a bit of mistrust amongst them all. Something that would probably be easily solved with a keg and some soulful drinking.

Finally Frodo announces that he will take the ring since he has already done so this far. They all agree, but decide that one representative from all those there except the ponies and unicorns would go along with him and his already established companions. At this point Hippie Smith actually says, "I present to you the Fellowship of the Ring." This is like Han Solo, upon discovering blown up Alderan saying, "Wow, it's like there's some sort of war amongst the stars going on. A Star Wars, as it were."

And now, I gotta take a whiz like it's 4 hours into Mardi Gras and all the alleys are blocked off.

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All I know is that if you're a defensive tackle, you'd better find him -- because he was one of the dirtiest players in the Big XII when he was at Nebraska.

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I'd say that was TMI, Nathan, but I'm battling the same thing here. Mine's both ends, however. I'm tired of puking. It's particularly annoying because I'm trying to complete assignments for my first online graduate course.

Hope you're feeling less, um, crappy. Thanks for the link to my ultrasound post. : )

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"I appreciate the importance of reducing emissions, but this has gone too far."

[chortle] Funny!

But he's not going to see it if you don't post it on his blog....

that was special for Brain Fertilizer audiences only.

Toonces. You're funny. I'd forgotten all about that stupid cat. heh

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*Brand Name withheld until Pepsi they pony up some product placement cash.

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D'oh! ;)

<groooooan>

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"Where are the People?"

I actually misread the title, thinking it said "Annan devours areas; death toll rises to 147,000"... the mental image alone was priceless.

"brain skips" like that make my day. :)

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6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!” I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this; his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115. I will not engage enemies single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
118. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: distrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!” they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Super weapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
157. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer whose head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.
172. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
175. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
179. I will not outsource core functions.
180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.
190. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Super weapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
198. I will remember that any vulnerability I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. Its good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
215. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
220. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
224. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
226. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
228. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
229. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
230. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
231. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

Thanks. I just wasted about 27 minutes of my company's time.

Your list or did you get this from somewhere?

It's been around a while:

http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

SaaM,
You should know me well enough by now to know I'm not that funny...

27 minutes, eh? Only made it to #3, I surmise?

Now that's some goood evil.

Muhahahahahahaha!

The thing I enjoy doing as I read through them is to try and see if I can think of a movie in which that happened.

Like when the list mentions "locking up cute little helpers, like ferrets" (#42), I think: Beastmaster. "Never turn into a snake" (#34): Conan the Barbarian. The ones about having the hero's girlfriend sent to your bedchamber is from many movies, but I tend to think of Flash Gordon for that one. Several of them, like the indestructible device with one weak point, the labeled control room, the trash compacter...I would ascribe those to "Star Wars".

Does anyone have the time/patience to try and do the complete list?

...the whole "absorb an energy field" thing, though, leaves me drawing a blank.

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Congratulations! You win the Procrastinating Psychics Award. The trophy will be in the mail as soon as one of these geniuses gets around to it.

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This one's apparently fairly common -- I was one of the many who thought Jimi Hendrix was singing (in "Purple Haze") "'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy."

There's a line from the song "Peace Sells, But Who's Buying" by Megadeth that says, "Whaddaya mean I don't support your system? I go to court when I have to."

For the longest time, I heard it as, "Whaddaya mean I don't support your sister? I go to court when I have to."

I still think about hunting snakes whenever I hear the Beach Boys' "Serpent Safari".

How 'bout Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets"? Swore for many years that "she's got electric boobs"...

Better late than never?

And to the Republic for which it stands
And to the Republic for Richard Stans

:)

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*btw, any chance his middle name is Stephen or Samuel???

In the future I'd be careful about using "piling on" and "Andrew Sullivan" in the same post.

I'm just sayin'.

LOL!
I'll take that under advisement.

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Ummm....

...

...

...

...

...

...yeah.

I just donate mine to the bellringer outside Wal-Mart every December. Gives me a good feeling, and they're tax deductible.

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Why doesn't this seem funny to me?

Perhaps it's because warmhandsovenman appeared to be genuinely interested in making a new acquaintance and having a friendly, casual-but-not-quite-trivial conversation, while Chris persisted in making it impossible, in an irritating and supercilious fashion, but without ever coming out and saying, "look, I'm really not interested, please go away."

Chris's behavior here isn't an explicit violation of Netiquette, but it gets no points from me, clever or not.

Humor, like love, strikes whom it will.

One thing that doesn't come across in this link that perhaps harms the effect was that he's had at least one more conversation with warmhandsovenman, so he apparently didn't take it too hard.

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*A not serious point, to be sure.

ROFL! Best.Rationalization.Ever. Really. :)

Just keep in mind why women enjoy ballet so much.

You know, a woman who's self-confidence would be boosted by THAT, is a woman who would only leave a jerk for another at least as jerky -- or was that the hope?
"Nuking men today, to bring about a better tomorrow" -- that's my contribution to society ;)

I understand, Jane. Feeling attractive is quite a bit different from feeling like an attractive object. The important thing for a woman is to be found attractive by someone whose opiniong the woman values, not from a random stranger.

Perhaps it was a bad joke, considering my actual values.

You know, Nathan, knowing your actual values, it was surprising to read that you hadn't yet decided to stop looking down a woman's shirt or undressing her.

It's one thing to acknowledge and appreciate beauty, it's another to bait it. A good lure may catch a beautiful fish, but it takes a strong fisherman to reel it in without destroying it.

I never trust a man whom I catch purposely trying to get a glimpse, and I definitely don't trust one who is taking figurative liberties with my clothing.

I will take into consideration you current state of, ummm, well, "lack of" is probably more accurate and remember it can cause a man to "look" far more than he might were he not in need and not allow myself to be offended ;)

...but "a joke" it was. I thought putting it in the humor category would indicate clearly this wasn't really me at all.

Perhaps a serious post about all this is in order. I'll try to get to it soon.

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Throw in Ennui in there somewhere... Lots of Ennui

Nah, someone's already got that one sewn up.

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What, you never had a devine thought while looking at a waterfall or a rainbow?

No, but I saw a doctor after looking at the liquid coming from my nose, once. Does that count?

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ACK! I've been punned!
(And googlebombed, if you think about it.)

I'd like to thank the Acadamy, and endless hours of "Who's line is it anyway?"...

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It is Doctor Rice, not Miss Rice.

Yes, but it's in a quote from a deliberately satirical news article. Using "Miss" instead of the normal honorific is probably part of the satirical intent.

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Jeremy R. Gilby's Rule Number 2: Always accept free food.

Shoot, that's nearly my Prime Directive.

Mmmm, Golden Corral rolls....(mouth is watering, now drooling....)

Shoot, Jeremy. If you lived one state north, we'd feed ya!

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I'm for making NYC, LA, Philly, and Chi-town to each have their own electoral votes.
(Phoenix too, but they run conservative, compared to other cities of the big 6)

Or, make California into 2 states.

Ohhhhh... come on now. Allow the folks in Chicago to vote - only, make sure they have 4 year old ballots. The deceased voters should remember those candidates.

Let's compromise. Organ donors only. What do you think?

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*Truly: Fake, but Accurate.

You neocons just can't deal with reality, can you? Here's a line you'll appreciate.. If you don't like it, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE COUNTRY! :) Pussies.

I have a far stronger claim on this nation than an idiot like you.

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"C'mon, look at 'her, Georgie! Ya don't have to like her, but ya gotta admit, Maureen Dowd is H-O-T!"

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Priceless! Simply priceless!

sure was sorry to learn that Joan of Arcadia
will not be shown any more!
guess I was in minority, but I really did look
forward to seeing it every week~

Too late to vote,I know

a disappointed viewer,
Melanie S-W

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*"Sharp as a Marble"; I'm doing my part to keep his alter ego identity secret

Thanks, but WHICH alter ego are you protecting?

The trapeze artist, the lonely midget bartender, or the poodle trainer?

You're the lonely midget bartender? I thought that was Sean Astin.

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You didn't happen to capture it digitally did you?

What were they advertising?

The mints, I think...

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Dude, I got all misty when Goose died.

I get all misty when a young and quite nubile Meg Ryan says, "Take me to bed or lose me forever!"

That was a great comedy!

Well, I used to work on fighter jets for the Marines. The crap they pulled (dodging missiles, rolling through vulcan cannon fire) doesn't fly, pun very much intended, so it was funny to watch at that level.

...don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of "Behind Enemy Lines"...

What happened to the part where Killian bizarrely snaps his teeth at Lt. Bush?

I think that was right before they went out to play beach volleball together, but I'm just not sure.

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These are the jokes, folks.

True Story:

I had a friend who cooked me dinner one night, but she made peas, which I hate. She asked me when the last time I had tried them, which had been when I was a kid. She informed me that my tastes may have changed over the years.

My reply?

"So you're saying, 'Give peas a chance?'"

Are you implying my story is faked? That it couldn't have been typed on a typewriter of that period? [threatening glare]

Okay, seriously, one of our stories should be good for Reader's Digest. Probably yours. I hope you enjoy the $300 bucks.

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Brilliant. I wish everyone was in this joke.

"In on this joke", I should say.

Best laugh of the day! Thanks!

I always thought that Dan Rather sliced like a fucking hammer.

Does anyone else smell pancakes?

The guys get fonts.

Where's Joe?

Looks like a lot of loose feces going on.

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That looks like something created by Dr. Seuss. I suppose you would have to be incredibly wealthy to wear it, because you'd need to pay someone to lead you around since it blocks your vision.

Why is this girl smiling?

Because having her brain devoured by a Slivorjian Brainsucker is actually quite a pleasant sensation that has become all the rage among our nation's media and entertainment elites.

Well, ya gotta admit it would explain a lot...

Alicia Witt is supposed to have one of the highest IQs in Hollywood (Insert joke here)... but honestly, anyone who graduated HS at age 14 can't be all that dumb.

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Dangit! I forgot about the Botox-negating effects of corn dogs again!

That one made me giggle...

Unfortunately for Mr. Kerry, Purple Hearts aren't awarded for self-inflicted corndog wounds.

Before the day is over, my nose is gonna be THIS long.

"Oops, not enough ketchup. I'll just dispense a little bit more here..."

(after pausing to let the chorus of "EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" subside)

"You're tired of hearing about Vietnam? I've had it up to about here with it myself. But what can I do? I'm running for President and without Vietnam I got nothin'."

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To continue my tradition of lyrics for captions:

http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/rocklobs.htm

Wow these hand puppets are truly amazing!

"Preeeeezenting the defending champeen AND the challenger for the World Political Lightweight Champeenship, in a to-the-death grudge match: John Kerry and John Kerry!"

I'd have to give the nod to Mr. McGehee again...

Ever notice how Kerry just keeps giving the press amazingly goofy poses to snap pics of?

If only he weren't such a self-important goofball, maybe acting goofy would work in his favor. But ya just know he's not doing it on purpose.

And that's what makes it so much funnier.

"John Kerry Takes the Gloves Off Before He Puts Them On."

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Sue begins to realize that Steve's bout with halitosis wasn't something that could be 'overlooked'....

At the start of the second quarter of the Kansas City Chiefs Pre-Season game, the crowd is really turning into a factor in this game.

*Runs and hides*

Kerry's campaign would later claim to uncritical reporters that the turnout for these events is "phenomenal."

Why Phish's '04 tour phizzled.

The moment John and Theresa realized it was a big mistake to go to "DeanFest"

It was a record turnout for "blogoSFERICS Live!"

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...okay, maybe I should think of a better punishment prize...

Honestly Occifer, I've only had 6 three packs.

"See, first you start with railroad tracks. Later, you can try low stone walls. But with enough practice, you'll soon be fence-straddling just like me!"

Senator Kerry demonstrates how tracking polls work.

"I learned to do this in Vietnam".

"Walking these rails reminds me of when I was in Vietnam. On the patrol boat, we had to use trains to get us from one check point to another."

"On, the water? Mr. Kerry?"

"Water, I'm talking about the fact that jobs are being shipped overseas by train, because of the Bush's illegal War in Iraq."

"On the train, Senator?"

"Train jobs, those are being hurt the most."Or alternatively:"I always wanted to be an Engineer, I studying Engineering for 5 years before I found out it had nothing to do with trains."

http://www.lyricsondemand.com/j/johnnycashlyrics/iwalkthelinelyrics.html

"You think this is hard? You try to appeal to the Dean/Moore fanbase while sounding sane..."

"You know that movie? The one about trains? That was based on my life. You know, just like the one with Ali McGraw that was based on that loser Al Gore and his wife. Anyway, I'm talking about the train movie, you know the one, about the guy who skippered a swift boat in Vietnam, came home and rode a train. Why are you looking at me like that? Do you know who I am?"

I don't think anyone actually wants to win this contest, ya know?
i.e., not one person has tried to kiss up to me at all.

"No traction in the polls! It must be Edwards' fault. I knew I should've chosen Nathan as my running-mate."

(Happy now?)

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I predict a dramatic increase in the number of applications ... to be an immigration officer!

Bureaucracy at its finest.

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Sheesh I wasted a whole afternoon (well, except for shopping for dinner) looking at the comments on that list.

And the more one thinks about it....the Federation does seem rather like a group of busy bodies...and far too PC.
Though I always liked the original, with all its faults, and I have my name on one of the many "Save Star Trek" patitions, stuck in a file in the paramont back lot somewhere.
Live long and Prosper!

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The Vice-Presidency of Dorian Gray.

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Use the forceps, Luke

oh man... :)

Gauze, that's hemorrhous!

I gotta say, making puns about the circulatory system are more artery than they are sciencery.

awwww don't be too hard on the guy...after all it is only a vein-ial sin...and not a mortal one.

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Nathan, I think that's the worst pun I've heard today, which is no small feat considering that my husband is home. :)

[bows]

"It will be the first time, except for prohibition, that bigotry has been added to the Constitution," O'Donnell said.

Prohibition was about bigotry?

Does this mean that there can't be a gay bi-racial family?

Jordana,
Based on a number of little mis-statements like that, I think Rosie was drunk or high at the time. Anti-marijuana laws don't apply on the high seas, I think.

Christopher,
Sure there can. There's even a left-handed, gay, bi-racial, cross-eyed, transgender, cross-dressing family. His name is Hunter, I think.

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I was going to hold off, but dang it, I'm gonna go ahead and blogroll that thing. "Priceless" indeed.

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"...a Leonard simply cannot change his pots."

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If I was married to Hillary I'd have been checking out the interns too.

"So George, tell me. How's Barbara in the sack?"

"Hey, George, those twins are pretty cute. You want the blonde one?"
"Bill, you asshat, those are my granddaughters."

AN AMERICAN REVOLUTION
2004 Independent party candidates

"To be honest Bill I never liked you much, but your celebrity has certainly spiced up my sex life, just last night Barbara gave me a 'Lewinski'."

"Gosh, Bill, you're right. These 'X-ray specs' really do work."

Remember George if anyone ask, we didn't inhale .

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I have been told my whole life I am related to Kris Kristofferson. I would like to talk with him, via e-mail. I am looking for a way to get a message to him! HELP!!

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Thanks for bringing back my childhood.

"Mama Mia, That's a spicy meatball."

"A silly millimeter longer, 101."

"Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun."

"Have it your way."

I confess: I like the 'Ancient Chinese Secret' one.

"Someday you'll smoke a cigarette that does what this one does. Why not now?"

"Big Mac, fliet o' fish, quarter pounder, french fry. Icy Coke, thick shake, sundae and apple pie."

Hi! I'm trying to recall the product that used the slogan, "Try it, you'll like it." Can you help me? Also, about when was the commercial run? Thanks a lot.

If you find an E-mail commercial, tell me the E-mail address and I shall
"Blitz" them. Thank You.

Send all E-mails regarding commercials to commercialattack@hotmail.com

"Try it, you'll like it."

The commercial was alka-seltzer. The actor at the end would say "I tried it - I didn't like it".

The guy ended his statement with. "I tried it, ....... I thought i was gonna die"

Does anyone know where to get a hold of the 'ancient Chinese secret' commercial? I loved it.

[quote]Hi! I'm trying to recall the product that used the slogan, "Try it, you'll like it." Can you help me? Also, about when was the commercial run? Thanks a lot.[/quote]

[the rest of the comment deleted by blog proprietor due to unnecessarily lgraphic content]

Ok, I'm dying trying to figure out the commercial that starts out with a man saying, "Welcome to ______ country." Could someone PLEASE tell me what he says? Thank you :)

its welcome to Alamo country

I'm looking for a commercial that contains the slogan "What's in the box?". If anyone remembers this commercial I would really appreciate hearing from you.

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...think about it.

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