Charter Member of the Sub-Media

January 11, 2008

I Admit It, I Giggled, II « Humor »

They're all good, but Andy pulled out all the stops in the description, so I gotta give him props for this one.

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posted by Nathan on 08:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

July 10, 2007

LOL Cats « Humor »

Too Funny, some of them.

Scroll around. They's in ur belly, making u laugh.

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posted by Nathan on 04:40 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

July 06, 2007

All I Needed to Know About Life, I Learned from Playing D&D « Humor »

In light of the popular response of the previous post, I think a review of lessons learned from playing D&D is in order:

1) If something attacks you, negotiation is useless. Some things you just have to kill.

2) Many treasure chests are trapped. Many don't even have any treasure. And some treasure chests are actually sneaky creatures evolved to look like treasure chests that will eat the unwary adventurer.

3) There is no reason to assume 9 successive fighter characters with at least 18/91 strength is a statistical impossibility.

4) Wandering monsters are a fact of life. Thus, there is no reason to be surprised when a 9-year-old is grabbed by a cougar in the Denver suburbs, or Fifi is consumed by a large, scaly amphibian that crawled out of the water trap on the 7th hole.

5) Gold is good. Platinum is even better. But the best are weapons upgrades.

6) Min-maxing is for losers. Unless you are talking about your favorite character.

...all of which seems to indicate, playing D&D teaches one to be a conservative, eh?

Anyone else got a few suggestions?

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posted by Nathan on 06:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

April 10, 2007

New IMAO Brainfertilizer Comment Policy « Humor »

Because I'm not very funny and often lack creativity, I'm going to completely steal the IMAO Comment Policy and make it my own:


* All comments you make are property of IMAO Brainfertilizer. As soon as a comment is made, we can do whatever we want with it. We can delete it, edit it, or print it out and frame it and sell it on eBay. You do have some rights, though, such as not having to give lodgings to soldiers and not being forced to incriminate yourself in a court of law (though we may edit comments so you incriminate yourself).

* Official policy of IMAO Brainfertilizer is that we don't read your comments. While I do in fact read every comment, if someone comes up to me and says, "Why didn't you do something about this horrible comment?!" My response will always be, "This is the first I've seen of it. I'll do something about it right away!"

* Because I say I'll do something about a comment right away doesn't mean I'll ever actually do something about the comment.

* Comments can be deleted for any reason... or no reason whatsoever. If a comment is deemed offensive, it may be deleted. If a comment is deemed too mean, it may be deleted. If a comment doesn't kiss my feet enough, it may be deleted. If a comment is in the way of an interblog highway, it may be deleted. If I'm fiddling around with blog settings before I've had my morning coffee, many comments may be deleted.

* The main purpose of comments is to stroke the egos of authors. Thus, comments that speak negatively about IMAO are likely to be edited. E.g. "IMAO Brainfertilizer has been going downhill for a while. You've lost your funny" may become "ROTFL! That was awesome! Who wants to have homosexual sex with me?"

* By writing a comment, you are agreeing to be made into a racist. I.e., a recent comment of, "LOL! Great post!" may be turned into "LOL! Great post! I hate black people!" I may also go back and edit all your previous comments so you have a long history of racism if I'm really bored. Nothing personal; I'm just a jerk and I find that sort of thing funny.

* Despite all these caveats, you should know that any of your comments may (and probably will) be used against you in a court of law.

* Finally, and most importantly, IMAO Brainfertilizer is absolutely not responsible for anything that happens in the comments. In fact, we're unaware that IMAO Brainfertilizer even has comments. Just because we own the site, that doesn't mean we have time to click on every link and see what happens. Like there's this link near the bottom that says "Syndicate this site (XML)." What the hell is that? Wow. Now that I finally look at my site, I do have a lot of ads.

I hope this clarifies things. Please continue to enjoy IMAO Brainfertilizer!

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posted by Nathan on 12:59 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

April 09, 2007

Yet Another Mac Slam « Humor »

I've got no beef against Macs, but this is pretty funny.

From Cool Tools 4 Men.

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posted by Nathan on 07:09 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

July 21, 2005

Musings « Humor »
Some people look at the way things are, and say, "Why?" Some people look at the way things could be and say, "Why not?" I look at things and say, "How can I use this to get me 1) rich, or 2) laid?"

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posted by Nathan on 01:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

June 21, 2005

The Death of Western Civilization « Humor »

As if the continued existence of "The Teen Titians" and DC Comics in general weren't horrible enough, we've now got Billy Corgan trying to regroup Smashing Pumpkins.

A world recoils in horror.

...okay, well, at least I do.

Read More "The Death of Western Civilization" »

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posted by Nathan on 01:08 PM | Comments (11)

June 14, 2005

You Know...? « Humor »

Inexplicably, I'm not on Arianna Huffington's blogroll yet.

...she must be waiting until I become a Captain, right?

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posted by Nathan on 09:55 AM | Comments (4)

June 07, 2005

Brady Dillon is an Idiot « Humor »

Yes, I'm talking about you,

If you are going to send me a phishing email to get me to log into eBay, it would help if you could code it well enough that it doesn't have your email address in the "from" field. Even better if you don't mis-spell "sing-in" and "virtule-ebay".

What a maroon!

To my dear readers:
If you hate spammers, well, there's an address right there for you to exact some measure of revenge.

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posted by Nathan on 07:40 PM | Comments (2)
Man With Chainsaw Allowed Into the US « Humor »

When I read this story* sent to me by a friend, all I could think of was:

I guess they must have felt that since he's a lumberjack, he's okay?

Read More "Man With Chainsaw Allowed Into the US" »

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posted by Nathan on 05:20 PM | Comments (0)

June 06, 2005

PBS Cartoons « Humor »

Okay, I understand that PBS is a liberal institution. I understand they want to "teach" kids. And I have no problem with friendship lessons, and "lying is bad", and "you feel better when you share".

But I do think they went a little far today when the lesson of Clifford the Big Red Dog today was "It's not perjury if it's only about a blowjob".

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posted by Nathan on 10:15 AM | Comments (3)

May 29, 2005

A "There I Was" Story (UPDATED) « Humor »

There I was, in Circuit City, scoping out the hot Asian chicks buying a universal remote. I saw a girl in the proper modern fashion, i.e. tight, low-rise jeans and a shirt that revealed her midriff*. Okay, sure, I saw lots of girls dressed like that; it is the proper modern fashion, after all.

But this girl squatted down to look more closely at a TV or something. Her left hand went, almost automatically, to a spot right where the Good Lord split her. Apparently she didn't want anyone confusing her with a plumber or appliance repairman.

A word of warning to all you females out there: if you decide to wear the crap that passes as fashion these days, you risk showing your other cleavage to the world.

I can't wait until this style passes. Whatever other fashion problems the 80s had (garish, multi-colored eye make-up, anyone?), the jeans were usually flattering, at least.

UPDATE: Russ has an amusing take on his site. Sure, it's in the comments, but it's pretty funny so I want to highlight it.

Read More "A "There I Was" Story (UPDATED)" »

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posted by Nathan on 11:38 AM | Comments (4)

May 23, 2005

The Dark Side « Humor »

Yeah, the prequels suck. For another view on the problems, go here.

My additional thoughts:
Shudderingly bad laws of common sense are even worse when they are in the first 5 minutes of a flick. First was when an immobilized droid was "blown" off the fighter ships surface by...the wind? C'mon, George! All those technicians on the set and you don't run the idea past anyone for a sanity check?!? And in a ship with artificial gravity, changing the attitude of the ship will not cause the decks to tilt...unless artificial gravity is lost, in which case you float instead of falling, anyway.
..and did anyone else see how the bridge window got sealed again after General Grievious inflicted "explosive decompression" on everyone? I didn't, at least.

But enough of that. The only other thing I wanted to cover today was that it seemed to me that there were an awful lot of seemingly harmless things that lead one to the dark side, yanno? So without further ado, I present to you:

The Top 10 Lesser-Known Actions that Lead to the Dark Side!

Read More "The Dark Side" »

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posted by Nathan on 02:17 AM | Comments (1)

April 18, 2005

Zingers from Mr. Taranto « Humor »
Some may see an inconsistency in these Democrats opposing supermajority requirements while favoring the Senate filibuster in the other Washington. But the Washington state supermajority, unlike the U.S. Senate filibuster, was passed by the voters, so the Dems are entirely consistent in opposing democracy.
Well, never let it be said that the Democrats don't learn from their mistakes. In 2004 they had one message: We hate George W. Bush. It turned out most Americans liked George W. Bush, so now the Dems have a whole new message: We hate Tom DeLay. But whatever the merits of the case against DeLay, that "(House Majority Leader Tom)" in the USA Today piece shows why this is an unpromising strategy. DeLay-hate may be blue meat for the Angry Left, but most Americans are likely to respond to Dean's "arguments" by saying, "Tom who?"

From the April 18th issue of Best of the Web.

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posted by Nathan on 03:26 PM | Comments (0)

April 14, 2005

New Color-Coded Warning System « Humor »

I'm not sure what to make of this, but I'm linking it nonetheless.

My only question is: how do Amber alerts figure in? Will there someday be Topaz, or Sapphire, too?

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posted by Nathan on 01:55 PM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2005

Practical Joke On Sen. Clinton? « Humor »

Check it out.

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posted by Nathan on 09:35 PM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2005

A Few Random Opinions « Humor »

1) Sure.

2) Well, I think I need to do some more research on that before I can have an opinion I feel I can defend.

3) Are you kidding? That would merely hasten the movement for a neo-Anarchist "state", much like we have in Somalia at this very moment!

Read More "A Few Random Opinions" »

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posted by Nathan on 10:38 AM | Comments (0)

March 14, 2005

Protest Babes « Humor »

Since so many other people are using succulent female flesh to attract hits, I thought I needed to get in on the act, lest I be left behind.

I gotta tell ya, it wasn't easy to find something unique. But I finally found a pic of two hot chicks pulling up their shirts to flash the camera. It's below the fold:

Read More "Protest Babes" »

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posted by Nathan on 04:11 PM | Comments (2)

March 02, 2005

The Best Movie Review Ever « Humor »


He put it back up again.

Read More "The Best Movie Review Ever" »

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posted by Nathan on 09:26 PM | Comments (0)

February 27, 2005

How Are They Sure Who He Is? « Humor »
Former Nebraska center Richie Incognito, who withdrew from school after being suspended from the team for disciplinary reasons last fall, was injured after posting the best 40-yard dash for offensive linemen. After running a 4.90, Incognito suffered a knee injury during pass-rush drills.

From the Kansas City Star Online.

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posted by Nathan on 08:24 AM | Comments (1)

February 25, 2005

I Actually Said This Today « Humor »

"Yeah, it's not so much that I feel sick, it's just that my stomach it bothering me...well, to be exact, my bowels feel like crap. Wait! Let me, um, rephrase that.

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posted by Nathan on 07:41 AM | Comments (1)

February 23, 2005

Caption Contest!!!! « Humor »

No, not here. Here.

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posted by Nathan on 11:43 AM | Comments (4)

February 15, 2005

Didja Hear The Latest About Sen. Kerry? « Humor »

It seems President Bush asked for an additional $81.9 billion, and Kerry voted for it, before...he... ...voted...

...screw it. It's just not worth the effort anymore.

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posted by Nathan on 02:41 PM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2005

Nice Blog. It'd Be A Shame If Anything Happened To It. « Humor »

Lots of interesting stuff to blog about today. Unfortunately, you won't see commentary on any of it here...

But I do have this amusing article about Kim Jong-il's obsession with President Bush.

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posted by Nathan on 02:36 PM | Comments (0)

February 11, 2005

Exclusive! Must Credit Brainfertilizer! « Humor »

I am currently drinking a diet soft drink.*

You are not going to get news like this anywhere else, folks!

Read More "Exclusive! Must Credit Brainfertilizer!" »

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posted by Nathan on 09:43 AM | Comments (0)

January 25, 2005

Black History Month « Humor » « Media Distortions »

I apologize for being a little late on this.

See, I've seen all sorts of media outlets and govt organizations making this declaration for next month.

Well, let me tell you: Spokane is pretty "white-bread", and yet I've still seen quite a few of 'em around. So I'm glad to say that this near-universal declaration that blacks are "history" next month is fortunately inaccurate.

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posted by Nathan on 02:21 PM | Comments (2)

January 07, 2005

Someone Stop Him, Please!!! « Humor »

Check out the unfortunate title here:

Annan tours devastated areas; death toll rises to 147,000

What, suicide? Or is he just good with euthenasia?

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posted by Nathan on 04:11 PM | Comments (3)

January 05, 2005

Worth Revisiting « Humor »

The Top 231 Things I'd do
if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord
(In no particular order)
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

Read More "Worth Revisiting" »

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posted by Nathan on 08:14 AM | Comments (6)
» The LLama Butchers links with: Sensible, Efficient Megalomania
» Tim Worstall links with: Ever Wanted to Know How to be a Successful Evil Overlord?

December 30, 2004

Predictions for 2004 « Humor »

I predict George W. Bush will have won the Presidency.

I predict that a huge terrorist bombing will have been perpetrated in Spain just before their elections.

Despite fears to the contrary, no huge terrorist attacks will have been executed in the United States before our own national election.

I predict there will have been an election controversy for the office of Governor of the State of Washington.

Wow. I'm 4-for-4! Who would have predicted that?

Well, except for me, of course. So I guess I'm 5-for-5.

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posted by Nathan on 03:57 PM | Comments (1)

December 29, 2004

Mis-Heard « Humor »

It's funny the things your mind will fill-in when you don't quite comprehend what your ears just heard.

For instance, I could have sworn the Bee Gees were singing about a "Bald-Headed Woman". And what did the Beatles think was songworthy about a "He's a Black Writer"?

You got any?

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posted by Nathan on 07:54 AM | Comments (5)
» Sharp as a Marble links with: RE: Did I Hear That Right?

December 19, 2004

Because I Like Piling On « Humor »

I'd say the next step is Andrew Sullivan* being offended that people don't recognize he isn't easily offended.

Read More "Because I Like Piling On" »

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posted by Nathan on 09:28 AM | Comments (2)

December 15, 2004

Wondering « Humor »

Just what is the exchange rate on awkward pauses, anyway?

Cuz I've got a few saved up.

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posted by Nathan on 09:31 AM | Comments (3)

December 11, 2004

Instant Messaging « Humor »

Ever have someone randomly message you on one of those instant messaging systems?

Chris did.

The results are quite amusing. Laugh-out-loud funny, at least to me.

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posted by Nathan on 09:04 PM | Comments (2)

December 10, 2004

A Point* « Humor »

I have several sisters, and several good friends who are female, and one thing I've learned is that self-esteem is very important to women. In fact, I've heard several times that one thing that motives women is the desire to feel attractive, pretty, and even sexy. It's been said that a man will sleep with a woman if he thinks she's gorgeous, and a woman will sleep with a man if he thinks she's gorgeous...

I'm coming to understand that sometimes a woman will stay with a real jerk only because she lacks the self-confidence to leave him, perhaps fearing she'll always be alone or no one else will ever want her.

With that in mind, I've decided that I will no longer try to stop undressing a woman with my eyes or looking down her shirt. After all, that may just be the little jolt of self-confidence she needs to leave a real jerk.

I know what you're thinking: Nathan, how can you be so tough on yourself? But if I can just do this one small thing to make someone's life better, I guess I'm willing to sacrifice.

Yeah, I got nothing worthwhile to post this morning.

Read More "A Point*" »

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posted by Nathan on 08:31 AM | Comments (6)

December 09, 2004

For My Atheist Friends « Humor »

Ace has a top-ten list for you.

Scroll down to see it.

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posted by Nathan on 08:49 AM | Comments (0)

December 06, 2004

New Slogan « Humor »

As I wend my way through the blogosphere, I notice that some of the people getting the biggest hits actually put out the least amount of content. Or, at least, not copious amounts of humor and insight and crunchy blogging goodness. In fact, some of the bigger names in the blogosphere are either masters at coming up with memes to get people to link back to them, or they have one good article a week and coast the rest of the time.

Looking at my own blog, I put out LOTS of stuff. I blog in the weekends, I blog in the evenings, [sings] all over this town! Ahem. But then, I do realize I rarely, if ever, hit the home-run of clever, snarky brilliance that scoops everyone else.

In light of all that, I've got some new slogans:

"Brain Fertilizer: Mediocre, but Lots of it!"

"Brain Fertilizer Professional-Grade Inanity. It's not more than you need, just more than you're used to."

"Brain Fertilizer: Quantity, not Quality."

Feel free to use them in every-day conversation without fear of lawsuit from me.

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posted by Nathan on 09:52 AM | Comments (2)

December 05, 2004

November 24, 2004

Word O' The Day « Humor »

There's a term that I've needed, badly, in daily life. Heck, I can hardly have a conversation without the concept coming up. But I've never had the word. Thank goodness there's Merriam-Webster's Word O' the Day, who this very morning provided the missing word that has been making my life a living hell:

hydromancy \HY-druh-man-see\ noun

: divination by the appearance or motion of liquids (as water)

Use it as much as you can today, I implore you.

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posted by Nathan on 07:39 AM | Comments (2)

November 18, 2004

Caption Contest Winner « Humor »

I really didn't keep following up on the contest...I was kind of checking out an aspect of human nature as well as the more obvious motive of trying to get you to entertain me.

In any case, Jeremy Spoke In Class Today, and it was dang funny. He did kind of win by default, since no one else even tried...but he did submit four, and all were good enough to get a chuckle out of me, on a topic that I didn't really think anyone could manage to find humor in. So he earned every penny of the $10 gift certificate. ya'll should pay attention, you never know when I might offer another $10. You'd stoop to pick up a quarter on the street, so why not keep a close eye for offers for $10 on the blog? It beats working.

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posted by Nathan on 07:20 PM | Comments (1)

November 17, 2004

Not Too Far Off « Humor »

The ACLU has filed suit to block the appointment of Miss Rice on the grounds that having an openly-Christian person heading that department would violate the separation of church and state.

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posted by Nathan on 09:22 AM | Comments (2)

November 16, 2004

An Anecdote « Humor »

I took the kids to Golden Corral last night for their military appreciation night (meaning: free meal for me, and daughter is free, so 3 of us ate for the reduced price of $4.99! Woot!). I guess we should have gone either significantly earlier or later, because the line stretched around the block.

As I walked around the line, I got a few laughs when I quipped, "I know this is military appreciation night, but I didn't realize I'd have to do a long-distance road march to get the free meal!"

...yeah, I got nothing worthwhile to post yet.

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posted by Nathan on 08:46 AM | Comments (3)

November 03, 2004

Announcement « Humor »

I now wish to proclaim that I will support the introduction of a Constitutional Amendment that will not allow people living in Chicago, New York City, or Los Angeles to vote in Presidential Elections.

Who's with me?

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posted by Nathan on 10:25 AM | Comments (3)

November 02, 2004

I May Come To Regret The Anti-SSM Groundswell... « Humor »

...cuz Shepherd Smith is an attractive man.

Just sayin', is all. You know, like a Viking.

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posted by Nathan on 10:06 PM | Comments (0)

October 07, 2004

Re-Visiting the Past « Humor »

Something that got missed in all the "blue dress", "impeachment", "Florida 2000", and "9/11" distractions:

Humans have a strange compulsion to tell the truth. That means one way to catch people in lies is to pay attention to the words they use, the phrasing, mannerism tics, etc. In other words, anything that shows the inner dialogue is actually telling the truth despite the dishonest outer dialogue.

Today, we now know that Bill Clinton did have sex with Monica Lewinsky, and despite the torturous definition of the word 'is', it is clear that even former President Clinton thinks so. This is revealed by the exact phrasing of the sentence he used for his denial:

"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky." Now, he couldn't actually say, "I didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky" because he knew that was a lie and feared some hooding of the eyes or other twitch might betray him. Choosing to state it that way, most people would probably take it the way he wanted, that "Monica Lewinsky" was an appositive for "that woman", and thus are one and the same; but to pull off the lie, he most likely made a mental shift and "that woman" was a different woman than "Monica Lewinsky."

So my question is: who was "that woman" in former President Clinton's mind? ...what are the odds it might just be Hillary Rodham...?

Show Comments »

posted by Nathan on 01:45 PM | Comments (0)

October 01, 2004

The Definitive Debate Recap « Humor »

Honestly, folks, this is probably the most accurate* of all of 'em.

Read More "The Definitive Debate Recap" »

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posted by Nathan on 12:56 PM | Comments (2)
What A Drag? « Humor »


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posted by Nathan on 09:44 AM | Comments (1)

September 21, 2004

A Message To CBS Viewers « Humor »

Alternate Title: "Fake, but accurate."


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posted by Nathan on 01:14 PM | Comments (2)
» Ace of Spades HQ links with: The Long Knives Are Out for Mary Mapes
Unclear on the Concept « Humor »

I think it is significant that the guy threatening to shoot the President drove off with a .30-30 lever-action rifle. Because, and I'm sure Kim du Toit will back me up on this, such rifles are excellent brush guns, not necessarily good Bush guns...

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posted by Nathan on 10:53 AM | Comments (0)

September 20, 2004

Scott Ott: Meet Your Match! « Humor »

My good friend, SAAM*, has several times bemoaned his tendency to produce his best work in the comment sections of other people's blogs.

Well, he's certainly done some top-notch humor and insight on his own blog before, but I think this one is ready for the big time.

I laughed out loud on several points, particularly:

Free Underground is a web site for partisan moderates.
Read More "Scott Ott: Meet Your Match!" »

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posted by Nathan on 11:03 PM | Comments (2)

September 17, 2004

Haiku of Integrity Kicks « Humor »

Slicing like Hammers,
We all wonder: Where is Joe?
'Cuz the Guys. Get. Shirts.

Show Comments »

posted by Nathan on 09:51 AM | Comments (0)

September 16, 2004

This New Commercial (Updated) « Humor »

I was watching C-Span last night, and this new commercial came on. No speech, just a tall, gangly, goofy-looking guy with an extremely smooth forehead comes into a newsroom and slips some papers on a newscaster's desk. The newscaster (apparently supposed to be some sort of "journalist") does a cartoonish double-take and rushes to the broadcast studio set. Just after reporting what the papers say, the camera zooms down to the bottom, where the words "FORGERY" are stamped in big red letters. The Newscaster looks down out of the window to see the lanky, Lurch-like guy flashes a dashing, devil-may-care grin, tosses his thick, youthful hair, and pops a candy mint disc into his mouth. The newscaster shakes his and smiles ruefully at himself for being taken in by such a clever, youthful prank. Then the words come up:

"Memos: The Truth-Maker"

A pretty clever commercial, if you ask me. I laughed for hours.

Update: Um, I've had enough questions that I want to point out:
1) C-Span doesn't have commercials
2) Botox makes smooth foreheads. The tall, lanky, lantern-jawed, French-looking guy isn't actually young, but his hair was perfect. (awhooo!)
3) Mentos commercials have the same basic theme, and are worthy of satire.

That is all.

Show Comments »

posted by Nathan on 09:42 AM | Comments (2)
Exclusive! « Humor »

Okay, the memos are fake but accurate. Interestingly, advanced technology has been able to recreate was erased from President Nixon's tapes. Let's listen in to a 20-second portion of that never-before-heard conversation:

Lt Col Killian : You really are a cowboy.
1st Lt Bush : What's your problem, Killian?
Lt Col Killian : You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
1st Lt Bush : That's right! Kill...ian. I am dangerous. To the enemy.

Show Comments »

posted by Nathan on 08:58 AM | Comments (6)

September 15, 2004

Witty Me « Humor »

So in our mandatory unit physical fitness hour, we were given "non-structured" time, and chose to play some basketball. After a hard-fought game, we decided to play a game of "HORSE".

One of my coworkers said, "What's HORSE?"

"You shoot the basketball in order," another co-worker answered, "and when someone makes it, everyone following has to make the same shot. The first person to miss gets a letter and you start over. The first person to collect 'HORSE' is out. You've really never heard of HORSE?"

"I'm from the city," he answered in his Philly accent. "We never did nothing with farm animals."

"All right," I chimed in, "We'll play GLOCK."

After 4 complete rounds without anyone making a shot, we decided to change the name to a shorter pistol manufacturer: "SIG".

Later in the game, after the person in front of me made a particularly difficult shot, I quipped, "I have a feeling I'm going to have my "S" handed to me with this shot..."

Read More "Witty Me" »

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posted by Nathan on 03:30 PM | Comments (2)
Dan Rather Discusses What Went Wrong « Humor »


I just got a transcript of the most recent CBS meeting called by Dan Rather. I'll probably need some time to transcribe it all. Here's the first installment:

Dan: No superscript T-H's on numbers. Do you understand that? That number on the end had a supercript T-H. Superscript ending! Didn't I say lowercase ending?

John: I thought it was covered.

Dan: You thought. You thought! You thought eight things tonight. You're on f***ing notice, John. I gave you a list. The numbers get lowercase endings. Don't make a f***ing maniac out of me. The numbers get lowercase endings. Do you understand? We're not going to be as strong as the weakest link. The numbers get lowercase endings. Do you understand that? This is like football, baseball, anything else. The numbers get lowercase endings. That's just the f***ing way it is.

You first start out getting the list of talking points right. So there's no confusion. When I write something down, it's gets exactly that.

Now what are we going to do about the abbreviations?

John: You mean the rank abbreviations? I'm kind of waiting for you.

Dan: Didn't we talk about this at the last meeting?

Let me ask you this...

Full Audio

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posted by Nathan on 12:29 PM | Comments (8)
» Allah Is In The House links with:

August 27, 2004

Why Is This Girl Smiling? « Humor »

No, seriously: why?!?!


LONDON -- Actress Alicia Witt models what is claimed to be the most colossal waste of effort in creating stupidest hat ever made, the $2,700,000 Champrau d'Amour, by celebrity couture hat designer Louis Mariette, at Christies in London. The hat is covered entirely in dazzling diamonds and inspired by entwined ivy and bluebells. (06/14/04 AP photo)

Oops, that wasn't exactly what they actually said, was it?

LONDON -- Actress Alicia Witt models what is claimed to be the most expensive hat ever made, the $2,700,000 Champrau d'Amour, by celebrity couture hat designer Louis Mariette, at Christies in London. The hat is covered entirely in dazzling diamonds and inspired by entwined ivy and bluebells. (06/14/04 AP photo)

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posted by Nathan on 01:33 PM | Comments (3)

August 26, 2004

More Caption Fun « Humor »

Yeah, I get 'em all from Drudge. So what?


I'd do one myself, but like I said, ya'll are far better than me at this.

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posted by Nathan on 04:19 PM | Comments (5)

August 25, 2004

Caption Contest « Humor »

I've been racking my brains to think of a good pun for Kevin McGehee, who won the last caption contest...but I guess you can't force genius. And you can't force puns, either.

So I'm abandoning all pretext of having a contest, and just running the pics for the fun of it. I am still eliciting humorous captions, because you are all better at it than me.

Many thanks to those who came up with some good ones on the last picture.

Here is today's:

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posted by Nathan on 01:12 PM | Comments (6)

August 16, 2004

Caption Contest Winner « Humor »

A consultation was had with the judges, and we finally realized we needed to actually end the contest so we could start another one. So, with no further ado, we declare that Kevin McGehee of blogoSFERICS is the winner of this contest.

Great job, Kevin! I'll have your prize up later today, when I figure out what the heck I can actually pull it off.

Here's your new caption contest:

View image

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posted by Nathan on 07:50 AM | Comments (6)

August 11, 2004

Caption Contest! « Humor »


The winner gets their own pun, written especially for them!

Read More "Caption Contest!" »

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posted by Nathan on 05:14 AM | Comments (10)

July 27, 2004

Aren't There Easier Ways to Get Free P0rn? « Humor »

Canada...oh, Canada...

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posted by Nathan on 12:03 PM | Comments (2)

July 26, 2004

Black Holes « Humor »

Absolutely frikken hilarious.

My favorite:

The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail.

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posted by Nathan on 12:59 PM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2004

Jeff Goldstein: Psychic « Humor »

Today, Jay Nordlinger wrote:

It is important for them — for the Left — to allege that Bush lies. Because Clinton actually lied, over and over — about as naturally as the rest of us scratch (no comment). Gore, too, lied, repeatedly — and about things small, not just large. So it is vital to the Democratic psyche, I hold, to believe that George W. Bush is a liar. It sort of absolves them. Kind of like the burning hatred that Europe has for Israel, if you can follow me.

A full three days earlier, Jeff had this to say:

A voice in my head, 1:57 PM, July 19: Try scratching it, dummy. Scratching it’s not a sin.

It's so prescient, it's almost eerie.

Oh, and I think Jay Nordlinger makes a good point, too.

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posted by Nathan on 08:29 AM | Comments (0)
Reverse the Polarity! « Humor »

Just so you know, I'm probably going to be referring to this list of "Things I Hate About Star Trek" quite a bit for some time to come.

Fair warning, ya'll.


2. The Holodeck. I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

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posted by Nathan on 04:38 AM | Comments (1)
» links with: http://f

July 18, 2004

Why Kerry Chose Edwards « Humor »

Okay, the theory is that Presidents go into office looking young and chipper, and leave office looking 20 years older; the stresses of the job wear them down and make them look like death warmed over.

Well, Kerry already looks like that. And without the Botox, you can even skip the "warmed over" part. So why did he pick such an energetic and young-looking running mate? I can explain it in six words:

Read More "Why Kerry Chose Edwards" »

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posted by Nathan on 09:58 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2004

Next, on a Very Special Jedi Intern « Humor »

Old Ben teaches his young student how to prevent blood from filling the incision:

Read More "Next, on a Very Special Jedi Intern" »

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posted by Nathan on 12:33 PM | Comments (4)

July 13, 2004

"Too Much Information" Alert « Humor »

The title of this news item is:

Rosie Takes Shot At Bush During Gay-Friendly Cruise

Couldn't they have just said she was looking for a new girlfriend?

"It is not by any means only gay families (on the cruise)," O'Donnell said. "There are bi-racial families, one-parent families. There are heterosexual families. It's all families are welcomed. It is, in my opinion, what America is all about."
Including, I'm sure, no Republicans or people who take the Bible literally. Because that is what America is about: taking cruises that have classes on adoption and artificial insemination.

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posted by Nathan on 03:08 PM | Comments (5)

June 25, 2004

A Question For Our Time « Humor »

Where's Joe?

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posted by Nathan on 10:23 PM | Comments (0)

June 23, 2004

June 03, 2004

A Gift « Humor »

Leonard Ferguson's lifetime goal was to become a chef. From a very young age, he was always in the kitchen, trying out new recipes, taking the thyme to experiment with spices...

For his 16th birthday, his parents bought him his own tools: a brand-new set of copper-bottom stainless steel pots. Leonard was ecstatic, and his enthusiasm was doubled, if anything, at the prospect of having better equipment.

But the goal of becoming a professional chef eluded him for years, stretching into decades. After another unsuccessful job interview, he was despondent. His friends gathered one evening to discuss what they could do to help. One person pointed out that Leonard was still using the old copper-bottom pans his parents had given him nearly 30 years before. They resolved to buy him a new, professional-quality set of cookware. They passed around the hat, and ended up with enough. They called Leonard over for drinks one night to make the presentation, and Leonard was moved to tears.

The next week, to thank all his friends, he decided to have a formal dinner of his favorite masterpieces, but he would not disclose the menu. On the appointed night, all his friends and supporters sat around the table, suffering in exquisite anticipatory pleasure from the delicious aromas wafting from the kitchen. Finally, one bold young lady, a lawyer by profession, decided to see if she could slip in and find out what he was making.

She stealthily opened the door and drifted inside, a silent shadow...

A scant minute later, she returned, a troubled look crumpling her countenance.

"What's wrong?" the others asked her.

"Leonard is still using the cookware his parents bought him! Why? Why? Why?!?"

Jim, a psychologist, had this to offer: "We did our best, my friends. But surely you must realize..."

Read More "A Gift" »

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posted by Nathan on 10:31 PM | Comments (0)

May 31, 2004

Caption Contest « Humor »


"I'd like to feel her pain, if you know what I mean..."

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posted by Nathan on 04:08 AM | Comments (7)
» blogoSFERICS links with: Elwood and Jake Reminisce

May 20, 2004

Kris Kristofferson's Notebook (Excerpt) « Humor »

"floppy brim" is just another word for "Easy for the wind to blow off your head"

"Democrat Politician" is just another word for "Out of touch with reality"

"French" is just another word for "Cheese-eating Surrender Monkey"

"Brain Fertilizer" is just another word for "Sexy as the day is long"

"Freedom" is just another word for "Nothing left to lose"

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posted by Nathan on 11:24 AM | Comments (1)
Top Ten Annoying Commercial Slogans « Humor »

10. "Where's the Beef?"
9. "Calgon, take me away!"
8. "Gentlemen prefer Hanes."
7. "All Tempa-Cheer!"
6. "Finger lickin' good!"
5. "Continental Airlines--we really move our tail for you!"
4. "Flick of my Bick"
3. "Her Windsong stays on my mind."
2. "A totally organic experience."
1. "Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?"

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posted by Nathan on 07:51 AM | Comments (13)

April 29, 2004

Little Known Made-Up Facts, Pt 1 « Humor »

I am given to understand that batteries were invented by a woman.

Read More "Little Known Made-Up Facts, Pt 1" »

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posted by Nathan on 02:35 PM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2004

Employment Statistics « Humor »

In my opinion, the unemployment rate is absolutely meaningless as long as job offers like this remain.

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posted by Nathan on 11:14 AM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2004

Kinda Makes Sense, Don't It? « Humor »

As the political situation in the US polarizes, the common ground between groups shrinks. I cringed at many of the posts currently up at Tom's site, but this one still made me laugh.

Tom Burka is still a worthwhile read. Go check him out.

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posted by Nathan on 10:54 AM | Comments (0)