Brain Fertilizer

Ever.

He put it back up again.

Running Time: Something like four days, man. Release Date: 2001

Since the movie is split over two DVDs, I shall follow the same order and split this review into two. Besides, I figure I'm going to have to take one hell of a mighty whiz by the time the first DVD gets over.

Eager Jimmy has never been a big fan of the faerie tale movies ever since coming to one night, years ago, to find Legend playing on the TV. The confusion of the unstuporing combined with the sight of the curiously androgynous Tom Cruise raised...well, lots of drinking. Lots and lots of manly drinking.

Anyway, after that I dropped the Eager when it came to that type of movie, so avoided the whole Lord of the Rings hoo-hah. All this changed when One-eyed Sam loaned me a copy of the fancy-lad version of Fellowship of the Ring (official title: Peter Jackson's Telling Of J.R.R Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' In Which Hobbits Prance About And Get Scared). In gratitude I loaned him Spy Kids 3D because.....Well, I thought it was funny.

Being the fancy-lad version, the approximate running time of this film is four days. This meant your friend Eager Jimmy would have to do something he never considered before: pace himself. Maybe I'm just growing up, or maybe the knowledge that not even the mighty Jimmy could down an estimated 47 beers and still remember most of what he saw, but this is a major turning point in my life. Hopefully it won't lead to careers and shit.

Luckily I was informed by OE Sam that the movie, after good scenes of ba'le, opens a little slow. "Starts all fucking war, man, then gets all fucking boring, man. Fucking boring." Sam has a way with words. This meant that I probably could get away with not having the requisite 6-pack required to enjoy any endeavor beforehand. I'd just need to be on my fourth to see the "fucking war" part, then work from there.

And ho-damn, does it start all fucking war. Two big armies whaling on each other until, as is typical battle strategy, the two leaders face each other. The bad guy wins at first, but then has his finger cut off which, naturally, makes him explode. Seems there's this ring and...everyone wants it because it's the ringiest of all the rings. Taking a bit to buy in on that. Usually my disbelief is suspended in a dense sea of Pabst by this point. Right here I'm really worried about the pacing issue. If the PBR doesn't start carrying me away soon, this could get really long.

After the war stuff, we find out that there are these little people called hobbits who like to prance and play. Thankfully they also like to drink and smoke, so they aren't all bad. To help along the pacing of he movie, my own pacing has been to chug a brew every time a hobbit does something cute. I abandon this quickly.

Turns out the ringiest ring ended up in the hands of one of the hobbits in town who is about to leave to retire elsewhere. Unfortunately, the ring is very hard to give up for reasons of its ringiestness, I guess. I should mention, there is a wizard too. Can't have one of these movies without a wizard, you know. When the hobbit, Bilbo by name (they must have named that freaky art museum in Spain after him. Arty types would do that.) at first refuses to give up the ring, the wizard yells at him like my dad did that one time I drank all his PBR and replaced it with Busch. He made me ride that Blue Train 'til I puked. I never intentionally strayed from Lady PBR again. Unlike Bilbo who takes off leaving everything, including now this ring, to his nephew Frodo (which is apparently hobbit for "wide-eyed pussy").

The wizard, name of Gandalf, leaves telling Frodo to "keep it secret; keep it safe" (I hope he means the ring). Then suddenly we have bombastic music, dark scenes, and a bunch of horses bursting out of a castle lit greenishly dark like the back bathroom of the Olee. This calls for a couple PBRs plus one to the memory of memory destruction at the Olee! Now we're off!....to Gandalf reading. I hate premature beeration. Now I'm buzzed and cranky and wanting shit to happen.

Back at Frodo's place where a rough looking Gandalf suddenly jumps out with another "is it secret? Is it safe?" Were I an English major and not just a charming drunk, I'd suspect some sort of molestation allegory especially during the whole "I'm giving it [myself] to you!" "No, don't temp me [with your smooth, boyish skin]!". I half expect Gordan Jump to pop out. A few discomfort dislodging brews had to go down during this whole bit. But we do discover that the guy who went all splodey at the beginning isn't actually dead. By now, me and the beer are ready to accept such things pretty easily. Anything to distract from the subtext and words like "subtext" which require a half-chug to flush away. Oh, and that splodey dude, called Sauron, wants his ring back, which is only natural.

Time finally for the adventure. The bad guys know the ring is where the hobbits live, so the ring got to get the hell out of there. Frodo and his ...friend...Sam are sent off with the ring. Since this is a very important mission, Gandalf quickly abandons them to go somewhere else. This somewhere else is the tower of another scuzzy looking wizard who is apparently Gandalf's boss or something. Unfortunately, this other wizard has decided to play for the bad team.

Back to our little hobbit friends who have picked up a couple other hobbit friends named Merry and Pippin. Seriously. Anyway, there's quite a diversity of accents amongst the hobbits for being from such a small area. Though I guess whatever accents Frodo and Sam are sporting could be explained away by brain damage. As they are hobbitting along, they are confronted by one of those horse dudes from earlier. We know he's evil because he makes bugs crawl out of the ground and the screen goes all twisty. At first I thought this meant the PBR was finally going to let me see through time, but it was just an effect. Faced with evil, Frodo naturally wants to look his best, so starts to put on the ring. He's so excited about this, he breaks out into his O-face prematurely.

Escaping with the classic "throw something over there" technique, our hobbit friends flee across a river eventually coming to a scuzzy town. I'm detecting a scuzzy theme here. Thankfully the alcohol in the Pabst will protect me from any germs. Gandalf was supposed to meet them at the inn (called, in another step that makes this movie really creepy, "The Prancing Pony". Are we sure Gordan Jump is dead?), but never showed. As all should do whenever faced with a disappointment, they settle in for a beer. Don't mind if I do too.

Now comes what is the highlight of the movie. One of the little nippers comes back from the bar with a nice, large mug of beer informing the others that this is a "pint". Sad little fellows, never knowing what a pint was. Maybe that explains the accents or the mincing. One responds to this new knowledge with, "It comes in pints?" Hell fucking yes it does! That deserved a one and a half shotgun salute in honor of the pint! Just wait until the little bugger discovers the 40oz!

In pintal excitement, though, one of the hobbits nearly says too much. Since this is a moment of excitement, Frodo breaks out the O-face again. In the mess the ring ends up on his finger making him invisible where everything goes white and he sees a giant, fiery catseye. Something we've all seen a million times during a night's drinking. It's never a good thing.

The hobbits are saved by another scuzzy looking guy who cleverly hides them in a room that the evil horse dudes choose not to bed stab. Remember, if you want to avoid bed stabbing, always go somewhere the bed stabbing won't happen. As soon as it is clear, they take off to some rocky hill in the middle of nowhere. Well, that's at least where they stop to spend the night. Unfortunately, the evil horse dudes find them and attack. Another moment of excitement, so time for another O-face. Frodo slips on the ring trying to escape, only the horse dudes can see him and in invisible world they are all white and glowy like the creatures in The Dark Crystal when the Skeksis and Mystics joined as one. Since they can see him just fine, they stab him in the shoulder which must be the hobbit's most vulnerable spot.

Getting stabbed by an evil, glowy dude's evil blade in invisible world is never a good thing. Frodo ain't doing good. Thankfully Arwen the Asthmatic Elf is there to save the day! She hauls up Frodo and takes off for Elfland, or wherever. The evil horse dudes are chasing close behind, but prove cautious about crossing a dry river bed. When they finally do, Arwen the Asthmatic Elf sends the whole damn river on top of them, wiping them out and calling for a healthy chug at the coolness.

Frodo is healed by Agent Smith who has decided to leave the Matrix and become a hippie. After a nice, creepy, slo-mo hugging reunion with the other hobbits that required yet more awkwardness flushing drinking, he gets ready to leave. But first he has to have an exit interview or something about the ring. Everyone is there. Humans, dwarves, ponies, unicorns, and an elf that brings back unpleasant memories of an androgynous Tom Cruise. Had to shotgun away some memories when he showed up onscreen.

Because, as well established, this is the ringiest of all rings, everyone fights over it. The humans want to use it, but Gandalf says it must be destroyed. A dwarf tries to smash it with an axe but it bounces off like my drink charmed pick-up lines do with the ladies. To destroy it they need to take it to some mountain and toss it in. Everyone starts fighting over who will take it, the elves, the humans or the dwarves. Seems there's a bit of mistrust amongst them all. Something that would probably be easily solved with a keg and some soulful drinking.

Finally Frodo announces that he will take the ring since he has already done so this far. They all agree, but decide that one representative from all those there except the ponies and unicorns would go along with him and his already established companions. At this point Hippie Smith actually says, "I present to you the Fellowship of the Ring." This is like Han Solo, upon discovering blown up Alderan saying, "Wow, it's like there's some sort of war amongst the stars going on. A Star Wars, as it were."

And now, I gotta take a whiz like it's 4 hours into Mardi Gras and all the alleys are blocked off.