Brain Fertilizer

Me: So. How is everyone?

Readers:

...so why can't you eat it, too, that's what I'm wondering. But I will have my pie and eat it, too, because I AM A CITIZEN JOURNALIST, AND I DEMAND PIE...or Martha Stewart will slide a shiv between someone's ribs for me. Of course, the shiv will be fashioned from materials left over from the Big House's Thanksgiving celebration, which is a good thing. You know?

Apple:

Me: There's no reason it couldn't be an apple pie, if you get my drift...

Apple:

Deadbeat Neighbor: If you're done ranting at that apple, can I borrow it for my mid-morning snack?

UPDATE: Because of THE HYPOCRISY!!!

It's a tiny bit arrogant of people to go around worrying about those less fortunate.

Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to women.

UPDATE:
Yeah, this was the inspiration...

When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

Today, my jurisdiction ends here. Pick up my hat.

Well, uh, just because I don't know what it is, it doesn't mean I'm lying.

Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.

"Um, I respectfully disagree, Will. The first thing we do is kill all the reporters. That should bring the ACLU scrabbling out from the baseboards. If we just kill them, and maybe a few of the worst malpractice lawyers for example, the remaining lawyers shouldn't be much trouble."

"Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation."

"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."

"She seems to have such nicely rounded diphthongs!"

Nation Lucky Gore's Not President.

"Ach! Candy Corn! Let me help you to eat it!"

"You are a sad, strange little man. You have my pity. Farewell"

"I expect and demand your very best. Anything less, you should have joined the Air Force."

"If there's ever anything I can do for you . . . or more to the point, to you, you let me know, okay?"

"Remember to memorize pages 39 through 110 for tomorrow's lesson."

And, it's your destiny to seek some serious psychiatric help.

Oh, right, to call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you! I've worn dresses with higher I.Q.s!