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They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I am not young enough to know everything.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

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Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

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It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

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Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

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In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

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I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

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Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

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Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

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If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

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We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

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What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

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It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you are like a lot of people you can simply overlook this. The best thing you can do is become relevant with yourself and faithful with your own morals. This will lead to a sad and unfulfilling life.

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Of Policing, and the spread of concrete.
Rumple,
There is also the possibility the police and the armed forces were not paid that well in Venezuela, just so they would be at their jobs at the alcabalas, gleaning what they could off drivers who did not have their correct or up to date papers, or who had lights not working on their vehicles, or who didn't have ownership papers, or who had contraband or worse, in the trunk. You'd just have to fork out much larger volumes of Bolivars, if they found you bucking the laws, if you didn't want jail, and had no cup to get good coffee in.
But you and I, Rumple, need to go back to hammering about the good agricultural land in Barbados, that is being erroded away by human hands, like rats at a cake, to the point this nation will starve in event of war, or world energy depleation, or anything else including a bad spread of one disease or another that disrupts shipments, including the ever growing possibility of actual drastic lack of food across the face of the world, fueled, by the ever-growing world population growth, and the ever- growing world distabilability seen by anybody who daily reads or views what is going on.So yes, Peace and may God's face so shine.

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