Brain Fertilizer

One thing people used to say about me:
"You're a really nice guy, and you're really intelligent...but sometimes you have bad judgment."

That's a tough one to get over. If you have bad judgment, then how can you get better judgment? The only way you have to evaluate your decisions is the same judgment ability that led you to make bad decisions in the first place.

Well, I've made some progress. As stupid as it may sound, it took me until I was nearly 40 before I learned to stop making decisions based on emotions, and to stop making decisions based on avoiding worst-case scenarios and/or fears.

I still have farther to go on this, obviously.

But I was thinking about why I am that way.

Here's what I came up with:

I was raised by books.

Not quite the same as being raised by wolves, because you end up relatively clean and with relatively decent table manners.

But everything I learned about how to be a man, a person, a friend, a co-worker, etc, came from books.

Why?

Partly because I was the youngest of 6 kids, and my parents' version of raising their sons was semi-benevolent neglect. They made an effort to prepare their daughters for life, but by the time I came along, they felt my academic excellence meant I didn't need any help, maybe. I realized this when I read a book on running a church youth group, and it said, "Find out what your youths' parents are teaching at home, and work that into your program," and I was stunned by the concept of parents teaching their teenagers anything. As long as I wasn't causing trouble (and I never did), my parents just watched me play sports and ate dinner with me. That was about it.

But I can't fault them.

Because ever since I was younger than I can remember, I thought books held some secret to life. I believed what I read in books. If a book claimed to have an answer to where life came from, or the nature of God, or how to stop war, or what women really wanted, I ate it up. Now, I never found any of those things that convinced me they had found the Truth in any of those books...but I sought it.

And along with all that, I saw justifications given for just about any behavior. In books, you know the protagonists reasons, and they lie, cheat, prevaricate, dissemble, run away from problems, seek revenge, etc...and unless the book is a morality play, everything works out for them in the end.

This is a powerful lesson to a 6-year old reading pre-teen and teen level books. And to an 8-year old reading adult-level books.

It's only been recently that I've realized how this has adversely affected my character.

I don't allow myself those lower standards anymore. I don't think that it is okay to take the low road just because I'm upset, or because I think it is important enough. I no longer try to get myself out of trouble by shading the truth. I no longer put my highest priority on avoiding trouble.

It seems like this realization happened too late. My personal life is in shambles right now, and has been for the last 6 years, plus. I don't know what even the next few weeks will bring.

Luckily, I'm mature enough to not let it affect my work. And I'm mature enough that it's not even affecting my mood. My life is a shambles because I made it that way. Right now, I don't know how I will put it back together, or what it will look like when I get it put back together...but put it back together, I will.

I have a long life ahead of me, still. And it's going to be a good life.