Brain Fertilizer

Got it right here

With bladder emptied and recharged by a surprise nap, your pal Eager Jimmy is ready to tackle the rest of the story.

Unfortunately, it starts out slow again, but not too slow, and my requisite 6-pack is time-traveling me nicely through this part. That dude who saved our hobbit friends back in the inn is named Aragorn, and he appears to have a thing going with Arwen the Asthmatic Elf. He also has some sort of destiny (all these movies require destiny) he's hiding from which includes her, or something. Anyway, thank God for Pabst. Also before they leave and can get back to adventuring, Bilbo, who has been living in elfland stops by to see Frodo. He really wants to see the ringiest ring again. When he sees it, he snarls and snatches at it like meal-missed fat man at the last piece of pizza.

Time to go wherever the hell they are going. Oh yeah, I remember! To throw the ring into some mountain. See, the PBR only kills the weak brain cells making the rest stronger since they don't have to carry around the dead weight anymore.

So up into the mountains they go. Taking a break somewhere, Borimir -- the other human -- is teaching a couple of our hobbit friends how to use their swords. It quickly breaks out into, um, friendly, uh, wrestling. This required even more discomfort flushing drinking, but not too much. There's a fine line between drinking yourself straight and hide the cat horny in which no one or thing is safe.

Thankfully interrupting the wrestling, the elf, Legolas, sees a bunch of birds and has everyone hide. The birds fly back to Saruman, the other scuzzy wizard who is down in some caves watching all sorts of little creatures making weapons and armor and digging really badass looking creatures out of the earth. I guess Saruman speaks bird because now he knows where the Fellowship is.

Which happens to be way up in the mountains deep in snow. If not for the warmth of the brew, I'd be feeling the chill too. As they try to go forward, way off on top of his tower, Saruman gets all shouty and part of the mountain falls on them, blocking the way. Time for another route, which is some place called the Mines of Moria where the dwarf, Gimli, promises there will be feastings upon goats and pigs and figs and berries and fruit bats.

One problem is that the door's locked, and no one knows the password. So yet another sit around moment that I pass by restocking the mini-cooler. Eventually they figure out how to open the door, but before they can get inside an Anime tentacle rape monster attacks. It is quickly fought off, but the battle destroyed the doorway so they are for sure stuck inside. But, at least there will be the feastings on goats, pigs, figs, berries and fruit bats to look forward to. Well, except for the fact that everyone appears to be quite dead.

Thankfully one of the now dead dwarves was kind enough to write everything down in a book as everyone was being killed around him. As Gandalf is reading it, one of the hobbits -- oh those silly hobbits -- knocks a bucket and chain down a stone well. This makes a sheepshit load of noise and brings unwanted attention. Now we have action!

A bunch of creatures, including this huge thing called a cave troll, break in. Cool battle breaks out finally giving me a reason to chug along with the action. They manage to kill all the baddies, but not before the big troll stabs Frodo with a big stick. Things look bad, but, wouldn't you know it? Bilbo just happened to give Frodo a shirt of invincibility (+13!), so he is just fine.

Time to get the hell out of these caves. As they are running along, the whole place just swarms with these critters (orcs, I think. Really, if it matters that strongly to you what they are called, I suggest sitting down with a nice settling PBR or 5). Just when it looks like it might be the end for our merry band, something goes all stampy causing all the critters to run in fear. What might cause this? "A Balrog", Gandalf informs us. Which is a freakin' awesome looking creature that looks like a minotaur with wings that's made out of fire and ash. I had to shotgun one at the coolness of that fucker. Thought it was time to run before? Triple that now.

After running down some stairs, dodging some arrows and discussing the merits of dwarf tossing, they cross a narrow stone bridge. Except Gandalf, who turns to confront the Balrog. He is a wizard, after all. He should be able to do something. Like yell at it. Which he does. He tells it that it, much like last night's beer cheese soup, "shall not pass!" They fight, Gandalf wins, but as the Balrog tumbles down the pit as bottomless as my desire for the brew it manages to pull him down with it.

With all the critters still trying to attack them, they still have to run the fuck out of there. Finally they make it to the safety of outdoors (where, I guess, the critters can't go, at least during day). There they take time to hold each other and console each other and weep and weep together. Well, except Frodo who stands aside staring off like an indian overlooking my littered living room. But they need to get moving to the next forest to meet some more elves.

They try to sneak into a forest, but are quickly confronted by elves. One is a chick who sounds like the one who narrated the ba'le scenes way back at the beginning. The other is a guy who stares at the whole group with a "I could so fuck you" look on his face. Here, after some talking, they are finally safe.

In the middle of the night, Frodo sees the elf chick wandering around and, as most males do when they see a chick wandering around at night, decides to stalk her. Playing the tease, she makes him look into a pool of water which, like most women's pools of water, shows visions of a possible future, then that fiery catseye that I'm beginning to suspect might have something to do with the dude who wants his ring back. Frodo offers the elf chick the ring, and she goes all black & white and shrieking like my ex-girlfriend did during a drunken "talk" after I politely suggested she could stop being a bitch all the time. But she manages to resist taking the ring, and everyone gets ready to continue the journey.

Now all of a sudden the movie turns into Deliverance. They canoe down a river as a shitload of those badass creatures dug out of the ground back at scuzzy Saruman's go running through the woods after them. Oh, I hope nobody gonna have to squeal like a hobbit.

They camp just short of a waterfall. Frodo goes off to collect wood or whatever and Borimir sees this as his chance to make his move. To get the ring, at least, but with the way this movie is going, who knows? Unable to convince Frodo to use the ring as he would like, he attacks him. Frodo slips on the ring, goes all invisible again, and gets away. He runs into Aragorn, and they seem to decide that, since the ring is so ringy to everyone, it might be safest for Frodo to go on his own. Without anyone to protect him.

Ok. Um, have they seen him fight? It seems to involve making his O-Face, then weeping. Nothing really wrong with that -- that's Friday night around here -- but not so great at keeping the baddies at bay.

Anyway, just at this moment all the badass creatures show up to fight. Using classic battle technique, they send one at a time at the far more experienced and skilled warrior. So of course, Aragorn (and elsewhere, Borimir who is feeling the remorse of a Busch drinker) slaughters them. But who cares? Shaky-cam battle scene! Feel the intimacy of fast cuts, weird angles and not being able to tell just what the fuck is going on.

Unfortunately for Borimir, there is one badass creature who has half a clue and shoots him with an arrow. But one arrow cannot stop Borimir! He gets up and keeps fighting. So *thunk*, another arrow. Ha! Borimir scoffs at two arrows! Ok, so he's pretty much wasted at this point. Merry and Pippin try to fight, but are carried away by the badass creatures who all run away except the ultra badass who decides to finish Borimir off.

Leaping into the scene comes Aragorn who fights the ultra badass, chopping off an arm, then his head. Shotgun celebration from Eager Jimmy! Borimir is at his last, confessing all to Aragorn. Then he dies. And, oh no... Aragorn leans in....they're going to kiss. But, wait, Borimir is dead! This is getting too strange; even the Pabst in my blood doesn't know how to handle this. Oh thank God. He just pecks his forehead.

We haven't forgotten little Frodo. He's running off in one of the boats when Sam, his....friend...sees him and chases after. Sam, we are unsurprised to learn, refuses to leave Frodo so will join him. At least Sam, whipped as he is (and Frodo-whipped at that!), is a bit more butch in battle.

The others, meanwhile, toss Borimir's body into a boat and send it off the water fall. I tell you, that's how I want to be sent off. Well, that is if I'm found within a reasonable post-expiration date. The Fellowship now broken, they go off to find the other two hobbits. And I go to in search of some fucking Taco Bell. I'm starving.