Brain Fertilizer

Hm. I thought it was clear from the tone of my entry that I was being exceedingly subjective--that it was not an intellectual essay, but a discussion of fear (and, yes, anger) regarding my own particular circumstances.

It is not altogether clear to me how "participatory" my husband will be in this endeavor. And I'm not positive that it could be worked out in the abstract: I suspect it's something we'll have to figure out at "run time."

When you have kids biologically, it can be a deliberate act, but it isn't in the same sense of working with a social worker for years, filling out mountains of paperwork, taking classes, attending workshops, getting the house "baby-proofed" (years before there's an chance a baby will ever be in it) and all the other hurdles potential adoptive parents have to jump.

One has to decide, every day, to do the hard work of going for that approval. One has to persuade oneself, over and over again, that it will all be worth it.

I'm burned out *now.* Will a baby make it better, or worse?

Just askin'.

Oh my. "Burned out now" does NOT sound like someone who is ready for a child at this junction.

That doesn't mean never. But right now...right now maybe there's some other stuff to be worked on.

I have lifelong friends who adopted THREE siblings, aged 10, 4, and 3 months old. they were pumped....they certainly didn't plan for three all at once, but saw it as a very unique blessing. Husband was beyond "participatory", he was there with love, support, and hands-on effort whenever he could be. And THEN, she got pregnant within a year! And then another! And it was and has been chaos...but joyful chaos...ever since.

And they *looked forward* to the experience with anticipation and joy. They were pumped up like a doubles team that made the finals at Wimbledon.

I worry for anyone who is not absolutely excited about the prospect of bringing in kids...what if they pick up on that lack of enthusiasm? What if they believe they're burdening you? That would be sad. It's one thing to be nervous, but your essay seemed to go beyond nerves.

I would really urge some counseling independent of what agencies require before a child becomes a permanent part of the picture. I mean, wondering how much help a spouse will be? That's a big question, and might point to some bigger issues that should first be addressed.

Good luck to you, regardless of what you choose to do.

Attila,
That's another reason I put this on my blog...I had an emotional reaction to what you wrote, but wasn't totally sure it was an appropriate reaction, so I put it over here.

The reason I had an emotional reaction is that in my family, I am the giver and my spouse is the taker. I get 4-6 hours of sleep each night trying to keep everything going and clean and still remain emotionally peaceful...

My point, I guess, is that you grow into the situation. And you'll grow more quickly to fill the needs of your children if deliberately cultivate an attitude of being more concerned about their needs than your own.
But maybe that's a guy's way of looking at it...? I don't know.
I hear some women say that looking into their baby's face for the first time, they feel this incredible wave of love sweep over them, and it seems to be at that moment that they fall completely into a selfless service mode. For others, I've heard it is the first time the feel the baby kick or see it in an ultrasound.
For me, though, I didn't feel that much for my kids until they could talk, and from what I hear, that's typical for men. If you'd asked me at the time they were infants how I felt, I would have told you I loved them completely...but it's nothing compared to what I feel now.

To put it another way: I was trying to underscore that you are framing your fear/anger in terms of who you are now, and in all likelihood you will no longer be that person after your child is born.

Sometimes bonding never occurs. It didn't for my kids' mom, it seems. She still thinks of herself far more than them.

...and about their father: don't give him all the dirty/nasty jobs. When you do, make sure you provide some positive reinforcement afterwards. If taking care of the kids is only nasty/dirty in his experience, he won't have much enthusiasm for increased contact.

On the other hand, never stop encouraging him to get involved. And that means the three of you should play together often. Especially at first, don't just "hand off" your child, play 'peekaboo' or 'this little piggy' all together. When the dad feels comfortable and confident, you can ease out at times to let him have some one-on-one time with his child.

But don't forget, the male perspective on a squalling infant is totally different than a female's. I've seen women spend hours marveling over tiny ears, tiny toes, tiny fingers. Most guys I know don't care that much about such things.

Um, sorry for the excessive response. I hope it helps.

I just realized you aren't pregnant.

Duh. I'm an idiot.

As a mom of three, two of whom joined the family via adoption, I can actually reassure you a little bit that the feelings of ambivalence are normal. Our oldest daughter was adopted, and we brought her home when she was one day old. I didn't have all the ooshy-gooshy feelings, but felt a great deal of trepidation and worry. I wanted to "do it right." I found a couple of child-rearing manuals that I liked, and I followed their advice to the letter, much to my mother's irritation.

Nathan's right -- you do it because if you don't, no-one else will... and at least for me, there wasn't much reward, especially in the beginning. It was hard, I was sleep-deprived, and I had suddenly become a stay-at-home mom and was terrified of doing something wrong.

Parenting ambivalence is not a sign of incompetence, in my opinion. I think I'm a good mom. It just took me a while to gain the confidence and the "feeling" that so many people say just automatically comes. It didn't, for me, but I can say that I've come a long way in 10 years.

Interesting thread.

I actually have a great deal of hope, because I know when I feel good about something, I'm unstoppable. But I've been waiting for 14 years: waiting to see if the relationship was stable enough, waiting through two years of living together "just to make sure," waiting to get married, waiting an extra year before discontinuing birth control because I'd read somewhere that was a "good idea" (and if I ever find that writer, I'm going to throttle her), buying a house, establishing traditions I hoped we'd share with the kids (like celebrating Christmas here), tracking my cycles, trying to get my husband to cooperate with attempts to do this biologically, trying to get him to get certain tests done, bearing the expense and stress of three in-vitro cycles, and now the mountains of paperwork.

I'm tired, and I think it's justified.

Jo, with all due respect it doesn't sound like you've gone through infertility, OR in-vitro. Or adoption of an infant, for that matter: I don't have feelings of excitement, anticipation, and joy because I am NOT LETTING MYSELF feel those things. Because once we get approved it's going to be a 1-3-year wait before we get a child. I'm protecting myself from disappointment by shutting down this way.

I'm 42. My husband is 52. I followed your advice for years ("don't become a parent until things are perfect"), and it got me into the mess I'm in now.

Nathan, it sounds like our situations mirror each others in a certain sense.

I never said "wait until things are perfect", because "things" rarely are.

I do encourage you to explore your trust/faith in your husband's involvement, your expression of concern about his involvement, to me anyway, seems serious.

In patring, I wish you well, and cheerfully recommend that you be careful what you assume about others. ;)

You're one to talk.

To alter a phrase slightly:
"Now, now, an adoption is a happy occasion--let's not quibble about who killed who..."

This is an emotionally-charged issue, particularly some of the points we've touched upon (i.e., infertility).
Except for the fact that we've covered some interesting ground, I regret that I even reacted, because I was reacting to a situation I really didn't understand until too late: I thought we were talking about an imminent birth instead of the slow, grinding process of adoption.

So, please, don't fight. It seems clear to me that words were taken more harshly than they were intended on both sides. Obviously tragic experiences have been experienced on both sides, and those raw wounds were brushed accidentally, so let's not get into anger or blame, okay?

full disclosure: I suck at reconciliations and ameliorations, so I apologize if I ruffle more feathers than I smooth.

The point is, while everyone involved has a perfect right to feel slighted and/or prodded, let's all take a deep breath and relax.

I'm relaxed. I was going to send you a note, but I didn't see your e-mail on your sidebar; maybe I was going too fast.

Good! Because I was already feeling a little regretful about sticking my nose in it...(but it's my policy not to delete posts or comments unless I really have to...I'd rather apologize and leave my mistake up for all to see and learn from)...if I started a blogwar on top of it, I'd feel really bad....

So send me a not already.