Brain Fertilizer

You have a very humble and mature attitude about the whole affair, from what I can gather. I'm glad you have a place where you *can* vent. As far as being a good parent, I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that without continual uninterrupted grace from God, I'm a horrible mom.

You have given me pause to think about just how much I *am* engaging my own kids. I tend to be on the quiet, aloof side and I'd be happy spending an entire evening alone in a room if it were necessary. Solitary confinement wouldn't be punishment for me. Anyway, I have to struggle to purposefully engage my kids because it's not my nature. Thankfully they're all three pretty good at engaging with me!

Bless you, dear one. Keep blogging... : )

Regardless of how you may feel about your ex-wife, preserving your children's love for their mother is absolutely the best thing you can do for them. This will pay off huge dividends as they grow older and mature and understand more about their mother.

My mother left our family when I was seven, due to a mid-life crisis. Despite the pain, anger, and disappointment he must have felt, my father NEVER said anything negative about my mother, at least not in my presence. I was too young to comprehend what was going on, I didn't have any answers, and I tended to take it out (unfairly) on my stepmother. As I grew older I realized that my mother had a lot of imperfections and made some serious mistakes with her life, but I still loved her anyway and forgave her . Today all members of my family (including parents and step-parents) can gather together without fear of conflict. Too many families these days are unable to do this.

I realize I've rambled a bit, but you seem to have struck a nerve. Letting your children love their mother despite her imperfections or your feelings about her is the right thing to do, and I can testify to that. They will thank you for it someday.

My thanks to you both. Words....fail me.

Nathen- I did not write this but I fowarded it on to you for its wisdom. My daughter left her husband because he was an alcolic. We always treat him with respect and never say anything bad in front of him we we have contact. Good luck with your relationships with your children-BB

The nature of parenting
I frequently have had occasion in the last few weeks to contemplate the nature of parenting, and more particularly how I measure up in the endeavor. There are days, like today, when the work is so hard, so emotional, and so exhausting that I wonder how I can possibly continue with it one more day. We live in a culture that tells us incessantly how important it is to “be true to ourselves” and bombards us with the message that pursuit of our own personal happiness, convenience, satisfaction, and fulfillment is our highest calling. Applied to parenting, such a worldview is disastrous.

Parenting is a selfless undertaking, and I am convinced that if people grasped one scintilla of the daunting nature of the task, they might never willingly agree to take it on, in spite of its many rewards and satisfactions. Being human, no parent can ever be completely selfless, but we cannot afford to act as if our lives can continue unchanged by the birth of our children – because they change everything. (I recently saw a father on Oprah who said, as justification for his incredibly selfish behavior, that his life did not end when his childrens' began. I found myself shouting at the television, "YES IT DID!") It is an enormous responsibility – as parents, we are the primary influences on our children, the primary shaping force. And while we aren’t the exclusive factor in the equation, how we do our jobs will have a direct impact on what sort of adults our children grow up to be, which in turn affects what sort of culture and world we will all live in 20 and 30 and 40 years from now. And it’s all OJT! Although there are signposts along the way, we won’t really know what sort of job we’ve done until it’s all over and too late to change anything. That is a sobering and sometimes intimidating reality.

The other reality is that once the job is undertaken, we don’t really have the option of throwing in the towel. Of course, some people do so, or do it functionally if not literally. But for responsible parents, the option to give up when the going gets tough is no option at all. Of all the relationships we enter into in our lives, the one between parent and child is the one that we cannot end at will – friends come and go, marriages are terminated through divorce, but no matter what goes on between us, my daughter will be my daughter until the day I die.

My daughter is deeply discouraged, and doubts her own worth and value. This is not an uncommon condition in teenage girls, but in my daughter’s case, puberty is complicated by adoption-related issues of abandonment and anger. My job, as her mother, is to simultaneously hold her accountable and build her up – what a painfully difficult line to walk! I believe – though I do not know for certain – that I can train her best in part by setting an example worth emulating – equal parts prayer, grace, strength, compassion, humor, and commitment, at least to the best of my ability and with God’s help. Daughter leads me to believe I’m right in my belief by telling me, when she was crying to me this afternoon, that she “hates” me for being there for her no matter what, for loving her even when she doesn’t deserve it, and for believing in her even when she’s screwed up. I praise God that I am becoming better and better able to love her selflessly, and to resist taking her behavior personally, and I praise Him even more that she is beginning to recognize, respect and value that love – because from that will come a sense of her own value and a desire to be worthy of love and commitment. Out of that kind of desire and sense of Godly self-worth grows a willingness to set and meet high standards of behavior, in thought and deed, which are virtually impossible to impose externally through mere parental discipline.

My daughter doesn’t get away with as much as she thinks she does, and I am not nearly as stupid as she thinks I am. The difference is that she doesn’t see the big picture, and I am trying to. Love is a potent force, and I intend to continue to bathe her in it. I’m sure I am making mistakes, but I will not use my love for her – ever – to make her feel small, or worthless, or hopeless. I had enough of that growing up to know how devastating love can be when wielded selfishly. This relationship isn’t about me!!

I don’t have all the answers, not by a long shot. Parenting is incredibly hard work, but it is also an enormous privilege. God is softening my daughter’s heart, and I see signs of that every day. She’s wrestling with new self-awareness and a new sense of who she is as God’s child, as my child, as a young lady who is no longer a child but not yet a woman. I pray that God will continue to plant the soil of her spirit deeply, and I thank Him for the privilege of watering what grows there and tending it as best I am able. The outcome, ultimately, is in His hands.

May God bless and keep my daughter. May He give me strength, wisdom, and compassion as I undertake to shepherd her through these next few years. May He guard our family and keep it a place of refuge, of encouragement, and of love. May God keep us humble, with eyes and hearts turned eternally toward His light.

posted by The Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady permalink 7 Woofs | Trackback (0)

Yorkie Lady, I can sure relate to you! My 16 yr old and I have been through some rough times.

Nathan, Since I am new to your blog I don't know that background on this, but I admire the way you are handling it. I wish I could say it will get easier, but it won't. Like yorkie said, kids don't see the big picture so it's hard to explain things to them. Just stay strong, pray hard, and keep being the kind of Dad you seem to be.