Brain Fertilizer

I've brought up, implicitly or explicitly, that I've been having problems at work over the last few months.

One way to put it is that my contributions aren't being noticed, and those that are being noticed aren't being appreciated. Even worse, the things that irritate my superiors the most in my workplace are lack of professionalism and selfishness, and I am one of the most disciplined and professional, and a great team player. I take the worst jobs and assignments without complaining or asking for favors in return. And one of the most trusted workers in the office is one of the least professional and most selfish and apt to complain about being overworked.

But perhaps an anecdote explains it more ably:

In Hawaii, on the North Shore, there's a really big rock, larger than house-sized, just off the beach in the water. On the ocean side, then, there's a spot where you can jump in the water from about 20 feet up. At low tide you might have to time your jump to land in a swell, just to be safe.

I have a minor fear of heights.

But when it came time back in the day to re-enlist the second time, I considered it as a place to do the ceremony. My Company Commander was all for the idea and encouraged me to re-enlist there. I'd seen some pictures from other re-enlistment ceremonies, and the pictures are pretty dramatic. So I agreed.

The day came, we did the ceremony, and then at the precipice, my fear of heights kicked in. I had visions of hitting the water, then having my femurs splinter from the impact of landing in a trough. I could see the last thing going through my mind being my spine.

So I froze. A few of the people there yelled at me to jump, but I couldn't. I made a few abortive tries, but couldn't.

However, after I saw the second person jump, I was good and jumped.

I went back immediately and jumped again, just to reduce that fear as much as I could.

I felt proud of myself. I had challenged and conquered a fear (at least in this context). A few months later, though, I found out that much of the people in my unit had lost respect for me because I hadn't jumped immediately.

That seems to be typical for me. When it comes to my accomplishments and actions, it seems like my peers and superiors usually take it in the most negative way possible.

I'm still not sure why.